2012-09-23 05:57:30 ( UTC )
Worry
I worry far too much. I worry about my best friend ALL the time, I worry about losing my
mind completey, I worry about my eight year-old sister being a schizophrenic like me, I
worry about every girl I ever come in contact with and hope to God they don't get raped,
and despite the fact that I really don't care what other people think, I still worry that
the people around me will start to notice that I'm crazy.
I suppose some of my worrying is justifiable though. I worry about my friend because she
is really the only thing on this world that matters to me besides my education, and,
especially now when I have really nothing to cling to, she is my entire world. As for my
sister, I just don't want her to have to question reality every moment of every day. She
can't handle the judgement and fear that comes along with it. And when it comes to all the
other girls I come across, I truly feel like just being around me gets people hurt. I
can't bear the thought of not being able to save yet another girl. And of course I don't
want people to know I'm crazy...I'll never become a doctor if that happens, and even worse
they'd send me to a sanitarium. I'd rather be burned to death.
But how can I stop worrying? Especially when I remember EVERYTHING: Hannah kissed me 72
times, Stephanie told me she loved me 14 times, it took me 378 steps to walk from my car
to my first block class the first time I drove to high school, Kate has dyed her hair 7
times (that she's told me about) since I've known her and all but three of those times
have been black, a monarch butterfly flies 150,000,000 times it's own body length each
year, September 18th of the year 1999 I ripped my thumb nail off playing basketball at
3:57pm, it takes 35lbs. of pressure to break a collar bone, she was raped March 17th 2006
on the floor of her bathroom, it takes ten pounds of pressure to puncture human flesh
(shin and muscle), there's 40,196 dimples on the walls of the third ISS room of my last
elementary school, etc. I can tell you how many bones I've broken and how many times I've
broken each of them, I can tell you how many times I've cried since I lost her and the
exact dates, and I can tell you how many times I think about death on average per day. And
that's just some of what I still remember, I've forgotten more than anyone will ever
remember. I used to have the first 50 pages of the phonebook memorized, I used to know
every liscense plate number I ever saw, I used to know every atomic mass on the periodic
table, and I used to know every greek letter both capitalized and lower cased.
So leaving my past behind is harder than it sounds. I may never fully forget the things
I've been through, and, thanks to my condidtion, I might relive them at any moment. I
guess if moving on was easy it wouldn't be the main topic of so many media outlets. Oh
well, just another one of the many challenges I have to face on this trip down Insanity
Lane.
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