rainy

My heart in a knot
2012-09-01 12:16:37 (UTC)

8/31/12

8/31/12

So tomorrow’s my birthday (9/1/12), I probably won’t be able to post this until tomorrow so everything is now all off because I still don’t have a internet connection. Of course I wanted to come write anyway, especially since there is not really anything to do right now anyway besides read.

I’m turning 26 years old, and all I can say is wow.. I looked in the mirror today and realized that I still look very young, I don’t know if it’s the way I wear my hair or if it’s just the natural shape of my face. Anyway I know I still have a ways to go.. I feel glad that I’m still alive considering so many people my age are no longer with us.. Of course I also feel that I should be doing more with my life instead of simply existing.

So the main feeling I feel right now is indifferent… I still heavily dislike the neighborhood we moved to, I was driving down the road that leads to the street we are on and saw all these people.. They all just seem so much different from me, I feel like a alien here, like I don’t belong and just out of place. And the thing is that I don’t really know what to do or what is the best move to make. Sometimes I consider moving to a new state but I would need a reason. I can’t help but to wonder is this the best place for me or would I be better off somewhere else.


I’m upset that I couldn’t start classes this semester, I’m really eager to get things done now that I have 2 degrees and am looking to go higher.

Speaking of my degrees I really have to express my disappointment in my parents right now, when my degree arrived I showed it to my dad and his reaction was kind of bland… I mean he just showed little emotion he didn’t hug me or give me any advice on careers… he just said “that’s all right” .. So there is this trend that I notice, my parents wanted me to be good in school but they put in little to no motivation for me to succeed. I’ve paid for my college expenses entirely on my own, it’s my own achievement..


I feel almost cheated by my parents like they have put in no effort to me becoming a productive person. I hate to sound ungrateful and I worry that I do when ever I’m talking about my parents but they provided very little outside of basic food and shelter, each year at school I’d return with the same clothes as the year before, the same shoes as well. On field trips my parents never provided extra cash for spending, just a basic lunch, I remember on a trip to virgina with my class in 5th grade to look at colonel life, all the other kids at least had $5 to get a little something and I had nothing, my teacher was kind enough to share a cookie with me, I’ll never forget it, I felt so restricted like my parents didn’t care about me.

And it wasn’t just about not having money or the latest fashions, it was about my parents not seeming to want to put anything into me including effort to help me emotionally and academically.. So when my dad showed little or no emotion after I showed him my degree it only reaffirmed what I’ve always seen in them, that they have shown very little support and little praise for my accomplishments.


I don’t know it’s confusing.. I can’t help but to feel my parents are using me for their own benefit… I don’t know how that sounds..


Anyway enough about my parents, tomorrow’s my birthday and I don’t really have any plans, mostly because I don’t know too many people, I’m not going to go to any clubs or bars because they are just not my scene. I mostly plan on taking the day to relax and enjoy some time with myself, I’m glad I was able to get out of work for the day and still be able to keep my hours by switching days with someone else.


I might buy myself something nice, I don’t know yet what that will be. I already have most of what I want right now.. Of course I’d love a new lens for my camera but I’m already paranoid about my current one getting stolen along with my camera so I don’t feel the need to put in any more money into it until I can find a way to better feel secure.

I tried to buy a new phone for myself the other day and ended up losing $45.70.. It sucks so much that it happened that way.. It was partly the girls fault at the phone store who was helping me and partly my fault for being impulsive and not checking to see if it was the phone I wanted and if it would do what I wanted it to do, but I was able to save $98 so it’s better then nothing and being stuck with a phone that I didn’t like.. I will have to find a way to make up for it.


These phones are addictive though, and the apps that come along with them too.. I’ve been taking photos like crazy ever since I downloaded this app called “camera360” I’ve also been playing “the sims: free play” a lot. The only issue is that I can’t afford the plan that comes with the phone and there is no way to switch it to a cheap plan. I’ve been looking for a plan that has cheap data and a nice phone but it’s been a near impossible search, I think it’s crazy how some people are able to afford these $50 a month plans, that’s about $600 a year, which is not that bad if you have the extra money.. I’ve been looking for a part-time temporary job that I can work for a month or so, so that I can afford the phone plan I want, even at the minimum wage if I worked part-time for a short while I could afford the plan.

Well I guess that’s all I have to write about until tomorrow




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