2012-08-22 18:30:57 ( UTC )
on life and death. quite literary.
i am 24 years old, healthy, good looking, smart, i have a relatively good job that pays
better then most, i have a great man in my life and i cannot stop thinking about death.
no, i do not want to kill myself, don't get me wrong. but i know i will die. this
realization came to me about 7 years ago for the first time and ever since it's getting
more intense with time. i have not lives yet but i think about about dying more then i
think about living. why? well, frankly because i know for a fact i will die. everything
else is a hope, a dream, a mirage. death is my reality. distant, yes. but reality
nevertheless. funny thing is - i am not depressed, i am actually very happy. and the
happier i am in life, the more difficult it is for me to realize i will not be here one
day to enjoy my life. what a cruel joke, what a crafty trick. you give someone life just
to take it away. but life isn't even what matters most. i exist therefore i live. but i
don't JUST exist. i REALIZE myself. i have an identity, i am different from everyone
else, i am unique. i can't help it but think that i'm special (even though deep down
something tells me i'm not). why give me self-awareness, self realization, why make me
realize i am not the part of the crowd just, not one pixel in a greater picture of life
just to take it all away and leave an empty space instead of me? No, i am not religious.
no, i do not believe in heaven or hell. i do not know what happens after i die. but i
fear that we, as a human race are too small, too inferior, too insignificant to exist
after after out physical death. what are we compared to the rest of the universe? we are
smaller then an ant, smaller then bacteria, smaller them a microbe. on a large scale of
things, we are so small and so insignificant, we almost don't exist; we are a necessary
presence, similar to those of fungus or a microbe. on a large scale of things, we are
almost literary nothing. in relative terms - we are the fungns of the universe. why would
god care about fungus, even IF! god himself (?) existed. but yet we are blind, we are
selfish. for the longest time we thought the world revolved around us and we killed
everyone who dared to disagree. why? well, frankly, because we are ignorant. ignorant
fungus, so to speak. i'm educated enough to realize that and yet i find myself walking in
a vicious circle over and over again. i'm smart enough to know i am nothing, i know that
compared to the world above, i am smaller then a grain of send in the sea. but if i am
nothing, why was i cursed with this ability to understand and be aware? wouldn't it be
much more merciful to keep me around as an animal, to prevent me from being self aware and
therefor showing me that my bleak flash of intellect will disappear and be absorbed by
darkness at some point for ever and ever? even if i serve a purpose, it's so small, it
doesn't matter. if i disappeared today, verses 60 years from now at the end IT DOESN'T
MATTER. i am a biological building material, a cell in the bigger organism. but at the
end, on my own, i am nothing. i have no hope... WE have no hope...and knowledge is my
curse. no wonder god punished Adam and Eve for eating a fruit from the tree of knowledge.
he knew knowledge brings nothing but trouble. knowledge brings pain... a slow reality of
death. i die every day i live. and none of it matters.
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