rainy

My heart in a knot
2012-08-11 19:33:29 (UTC)

This feeling...

So I haven't moved yet, tomorrow is the projected day, and hopefully I will just move in a majority of my stuff and then be able to stay until Monday.


I came home from work today and immediately I felt bored..I wanted to talk to someone or do something, I just felt there was nothing here for me. I can tell my mind is preparing me for how I will feel when I move out.. a lot of people have the impression that I don't like talking to people, but the truth is I've been in my safety box for the last 20 years of my life and didn't feel a strong need to connect with anyone, now that I'm about to loose this shelter I'm starting to feel lonely and disconnected.


All I want is one good friend, someone who I can talk to and hang out with..someone kind and intelligent. My sister chooses the worst of friends, I just can't understand her.


So this feeling... it's like when I got home I wanted to call someone or talk to someone.. I just felt alone, and maybe it's because I saw all my things packed up and I'm starting to feel more disconnected. I'm leaving my "nest", or my safety zone...there are just so many scary people out here and I'm afraid of nearly all of them, I'm generally cautious with people..


I wonder if getting into university will help me, or maybe a new job with some people closer to my own age.


Speaking of which I was just reminded of "K" and something I had been thinking about last night, I realized that I had been using the wrong terms to describe her, it's not that she is prettier then me or anything, but she has something, she has sex appeal.


I thought about it after I was browsing instagram and came across this user: gesetteiris_

This girl is similar to "K" to a certain degree, except "K" has a lighter complexion and eyes, I think this girl "Gesette" is also petite. Her photos are very similar to "K"'s in fact she is about as close of an example of her as I can get without posting her real photos. But what I realized after looking at her photos is that what she has is "sex appeal", she's also very pretty but there is this element of "desire" that she seems to go for in her photos.


"K" has a natural sex appeal, which might be why I was attracted to her, in comparison to me I'm more cute in a "innocent" way, I think it's just my round face and expressive eyes.


Some women just have it.. it's like when you see them you have a desire to be around them.. it's very popular in American culture.. even someone like myself who values modesty finds myself looking twice at girls like this. She's very popular on instagram.. I can't help but to wish I had that popularity, "K" has it to, she's not near as popular as this girl but I think that's because she doesn't put herself out there as much.

So I was really excited to come to that conclusion last night, it made me feel better about myself, I want to be popular but I don't want to have to take photos like hers or dress like that for people to want to know me. It also reminds me of that little "experiment" I did for a short while on campus, I had started to feel I wasn't getting any attention because of how modest I dress, so I started to wear shorts and skirts and things like that showing a little more skin to see if people reacted to me differently.. and to an extent they did seem to notice me more. The less clothes = the more sex appeal.


It makes me feel like a "plain Jane", I don't like makeup, or dressing too fancy.. I'd hate to think that's why I'm single. Oh yea I was just reminded of something, for one day in PE last semester I wore these tight spandex shorts, they showed more skin then I've ever shown and I remember that day in particular I had got "K"'s attention more then any of the previous days... hummmm .. what does that say? lol

Anyway.. I'm starting to feel the pain.. not physical pain.. but when I move, being without Internet until I can figure something out.. it means I won't be able to post my writings on the days that things happen so I might have a entry that I wrote one day but won't be able to post it until a few days later.. I guess it's better then nothing, I just know I need to write because it helps me cope with things, it's been the thing holding me together the last few years..


Right now I'm going into a major change, leaving home, and I know it had to happen, I even wrote about it a few years back, I'm just worried about failing, I'm worried about making it out here and being able to protect myself from someone who might want to harm or use me, I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing by moving here with my sister mostly because my parents want family inside of the house.. I'm wondering if I should just try and find my own path, but I know I can't do that, my family is all I have if I tried to move some place on my own I might fail, I'd be even lonelier then I am now. Plus I still need to finish school, I have to get my PHd and that takes a few years longer, I really want to advance my education because I've noticed it makes a huge difference.


While I was cleaning my room and packing things I found a lot of my old school journal entries, we had to write about various topics related to social studies.. anyway I read over a few and realized just how little I knew back then, I think I will find a few and copy them over to this journal just so I can show the contrast in my writings and how flawed my logic and reasoning was. Of course it's also pretty evident in what I've already posted.. many of my first entries reflect the younger more immature me..


I've got to put in more effort to make friends now.. I really hate being alone, I'm afraid if I don't establish a few strong relationships with people then I might not have anyone to help me in my time of emotional instability.. writing helps but there is only so much it can do.

Well.. maybe I will come write before work tomorrow.. I go in at 12pm.. I have a fairly short work shift tomorrow..




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