2012-08-06 20:50:13 ( UTC )
Could I be?
Well, I have been thinking a lot lately how much I wish i had never allowed his family to
force an abortion on me, because of how much I want a baby. I know I'm young, I'm not
saying im planning on going out of my way to get pregnant, in fact since the break up I've
only slept with one guy one time to see if it would make me feel better like I was doing
last year, when weirdly I was trying to get pregnant (but for different reasons) but I
know I want a baby because I want to have a chance at being the mum I never had, and
giving someone else the chances I never had. I know three people who are pregnant ATM, all
around my age, one girl is my ex and carrying my other ex's baby. Which is slightly weird
but I'm so happy for them because even if they don't have all the money to give their baby
everything, I know that they, the mum at least, will love the baby more than anything
else, and that kid will know what live is. Unlike me. I want a baby, but I want my baby to
have a daddy too. My plan is to meet someone at Brock in September and fall in love. Wait
until I know he's good, and whole and loving, then have a baby with him, after university
maybe though, because I don't want us to both be at different universities and be so far
apart physically that we are emotionally as well and break up and be stuck knocked up and
alone. So I'll be older than I am now. But I guess I can wait. I'll wait because although
it's torture, I want my baby to have all these things, and right now I can't give them to
Unfortunately, I'm getting worried, because it's been more than a month since I stopped
the injection so I'm not using any contraception, and I realised after that one time that
I wasn't on any when I slept with him. And I've been tired all week and I've been feeling
pretty sick. I don't want to be pregnant now, I don't want him to be my baby's daddy. I
couldn't. Because he is immature, he isn't going to help, and he'd let down my baby again
and again and I know how much that's hurts and I just can't let her feel that much hurt
before she needs to. I'm not going to let her think the world is a wonderful place full of
completely nice people though, because that screws kids up too.
But I can't abort again. I know already that that would crush me further and I won't be
strong enough to spring back again. So I'm sat at my mums writing this with one hand on my
tummy and hoping for god knows what because I want it both ways!!
It would be hard. But I know my sister with a baby would help me, my eldest sister would
support my decision, and the other one would be less supportive but come through, because
she wasn't too good when I told her about being pregnant in November. Though she's nice
about it now.
So I don't know. Could I be pregnant? I could still manage college, might have problems
with exam taking as i'd be bursting then, however I would have the summer to sort myself,
have the baby, work out a babysitter for college next year, and I wouldn't have to be full
time next year, so long as all my exam results are good enough.
I doubt I'd find a guy to date though. I wouldn't have anyone to share this with. I
wouldn't have a daddy for my baby. She'd grow up without one because I'd probably not tell
anyone who the daddy was. Though I know that would damage her as well, because she'd never
realise what her daddy was like, she'd big him up and then try find him later and that
would cause hurt too.
Maybe I should just take a test. I'd be scared of the outcome though. Scared of being;
scared of not.
Of not because thinking I might fills me with a little bubble of happiness. It's guilty
It's an evil thought, and I'd never do it really, but I have a tiny fantasy of telling my
ex that I'm carrying his baby, just to hurt him some, the way he hurt me. It would rip him
and his family apart.
But I'm better than them. Reverse the situation and they wouldn't think twice about doing
the same to me.
But I'm not comfortable with causing unnecessary pain. Because I don't like it when people
cause pain for me. Which seems to be an awful lot if the time.
I was with mall the other day (we kissed and haven't spoken since. I don't like him, I was
just confused and lonely and in need of a friend) and he kept saying how sorry he was for
the hand I was dealt in life. And I sat there and told him it was alright, because things
are looking up. And he asked an unanswerable question, how?
And I couldn't answer. Because at that point, I was thinking, well, how is my life getting
better? I hate the foyer, any amount of rubbish things could happen at Brockenhurst in
september. And I don't have many friends at all. What good is there?
Before I started thinking about being pregnant I'd have answered that I was happy.
Something I've only felt in small bursts before. Small bursts that are later ruined by an
overshadowing hurt that will engulf it.
But now, I'm asking myself if my life will get better if I have a baby now, or worse?
Because I'd feel so good giving someone all the love I never got to give, but right now
I'd never be able to give it all the other stuff it'd need. So I'd feel bad about that.
Which is worse?
I know I'd rather have the love. Bit I can't speak for how my baby will feel about it when
it's my age.
There's no question of adoption. That would be the same as an abortion, except I'd know my
baby was out there with no idea about me,
I used to dream of growing up and having kids. But I thought, rather than go through pain,
I could adopt kids that really needed homes, and give them the love I needed when I was
younger (and now) and that would be doing something even better. Because once that one
grew up, I could start again with another, and another, and improve more lives that have
been given hands in life like my own. But now I know I want my own as well. I could do
both, I know that. I'd need oodles more self confidence and normal confidence than I have
now to adopt kids, and I think that having my own baby would help me get confidence.
Because then it wouldn't be me that I'm fighting for, it would be my baby too. And my baby
holds more importance and right to life than I do. Because I wasted years being unhappy
because I was given a shot deal, when if I hadn't let myself get beaten down I would
possibly have gotten more opportunities to be happy, because hurt, depression and sadness
wouldn't have been clouding my vision.
Now, I'm more positive, and just trying to work out if this is supposed to be good.
View printer friendly version