rainy

My heart in a knot
2012-07-25 20:48:16 (UTC)

more confident?

So I was going to come here and write this whole long emotional entry called "interest" on Monday after my gym class, it was officially my last day even though the class still meets, I however don't have to because I've had perfect attendance so far.

I was going to write about how I feel people don't show interest in me and rather or not I was boring and how I could change things.. I think my mind frame has changed a bit since then, I was feeling emotional with the though of not seeing "K" anymore. Even though my feelings had subsided I still had a little hope that we could be friends which is what I wanted.

I will still write about that subject, but I want to focus on other things right now..


So today I had my 4th test, I made an "B", I could of done better but my brain was not functioning at it's best. Anyway this coming Tuesday is my last test and then I'm done!, I'm going to be so happy to be done with this semester, I'm going to try to make at least a 85% or higher on this final test so I'm really going to have to listen in class these next two days. We start review tomorrow and then we have another review session on Monday. I will have the weekend to also review but I will be working too.


So other then that I wanted to mention how I have been feeling a little more confident about moving out soon. Mostly because I've found a lot of products on Amazon that are good for safety, including a alarm system, door locks, pepper spray and a few other things.. I figure once we get there and settled in I will evaluate the place and see where the flaws are then do my best at making my environment more secure. Speaking of security.. crime in the U.S. is pretty bad.. from my view point anyway.. it just seems like it's getting worst too, I keep worrying and worrying about it, I've over paranoid about it too, I know once I move out I'm going to have so much stuff security related that I won't even know how to enjoy my time out. I wish I wasn't so fearful, but when you read the news it's like you have no choice but to be fearful. There are soo many tragedies happening everyday, sometimes I wonder how do people feel so confident to even leave their house, let alone travel all around and go out at night.

I don't even go out at night... "K" does though.. in fact she is usually out very late, and dressed quite provocatively as well, I only know that from the photos I've seen of her dressed like that on those nights..but people look out for her, I do know that she considers her safety when she's out but I don't think she worries about it like I do.. I think I'm a lot more fearful. I loved the fact that we are the same size.. I thought we would make the best of friends on that alone... boy was I wrong.. apparently not a lot of people choose friends based on size similarities.. on the last day I saw her she was with another girl from class... I think she has another class with her and they went to get something to eat...


I thought about how easy it must be for her to make friends, the entire semester I've seen her make 3 friends quite easily. They are now apart of her social network.. I also wanted to be apart of that network but it didn't work out that way.. and I think I know why. I'm still working on a lot of flaws I have, and I'm trying to be the best person I can be that includes smiling and trying to be cheerful even though all around me I see the world crumbling.. I know there are other people who also live in fear, sometimes I wonder if these thugs and people out here who do these terrible crimes have any fear, It's hard to understand how someone can do things so terrible to innocent people and not care about it..

I'm sooo worried about everything.. I haven't investigated anything lately about the situation with my sister and that crazy guy she is seeing.. I really haven't had the time with all my recent test I've had. I feel a little confident that he is not out with the public.. but still I worry and have fear.. it's so hard for me to understand why my sister is making such a stupid decision. Most people run from criminals and she is going towards them... wtf...

I'm going to get off this subject because it's upsetting me more then I need to be.


I've been trying to sell my old cell phones again lately.. so far I have not been successful.. it's not that they are unreasonably priced but they are just not the popular kind of cell phones people want, both are pre-paid.. they are limited in what they can do and people know that... the newest one I bought is one of them.. I really wish I would of looked more into it before I bought it, I was just so excited about a new phone and the plan price that I could afford I jumped right into it.. it's a very small phone and I like that but it is limited and the battery dies so quickly... and you know what? when I think about it I think the guy who sold it to me sold me a refurbished one at the regular price.. I'm going to have to investigate..


I'm so happy to be able to write.. that's just how I feel right now.. if I could not do this then I don't know what I would do. I feel so much stress relief when I write.. it's been more noticeable lately, I think because when I start I feel so anxious and upset about things then when I have written out how I feel and my thoughts I feel like everything is going to be ok and that I'm possibly over worrying myself.. I realize I have a tendency to dramatize things..


My only wish is that my writing could be more captivating.. like a book when you first start reading it and you can tell it's going to be a good book so you continue.. I don't think my writing is like that, I think it's a lot of reasons why, especially because my spelling and grammar are off. I have not been properly trained in grammar skills, although I do know how to write a story though, but this is not a story it's my life and emotions as they come from my brain and to my fingers and onto this screen. I realize that a lot of other diaries here are the same.


I'm in no rush to go to bed tonight since I won't be in a rush to get to campus tomorrow, I need to give my brain this break before I start reviewing for my test tomorrow. The closer it gets until the last day the more I start to feel like a slacker.

BTW.. as far as the university that I applied to goes it seems like I may be able to start this fall, they still haven't received all my paper work but that's because my transcript won't be sent out until the semester is over so hopefully they will do that right away and not wait a few weeks after. I think they start registration around the 8th of August and then classes start later in the month. If I don't get to start this fall I won't panic, I'll just work and continue to look for a better job, of course I really want to get started now because I want to finish in two years time and no more.


I'm a bit anxious about how things will turn out during the next few weeks, I'm at a point in my life where I am starting to make two major changes at the same time, one is moving and the second is going to a new university. I will document the entire situations and hopefully I will have a lot of good news to write about. If it's bad news I'll still write about it... but I hope it's good news.


goodnight




Ad: