2012-07-17 21:07:16 ( UTC -7 )
Day 11
Two weeks ago, on a Tuesday night I went to look for him. I knew that he was working so I
decided to wait until he got out. He usually got out at midnight but this time I ended up
waiting till two. He didn't know I was there until he was pulling out of the parking lot.
I saw him heading towards my house and I genuinely believed that he was going to talk to
me, instead he sped up and tried hiding to get me lost. I managed to find him though. I
still remember pulling up my car to his window and seeing his angry expression. I had
promised myself to not cry but I couldn't believed that he had actually drove away from
me. After begging him to talk to me he agreed and we parked outside of my house. I could
tell that he was tired of me before we had even begun talking. His expression was
emotionless. I was scared of being so close to him but I knew that the fear of letting him
go was even bigger. Before I even said anything I gave him a little brown pouch that had
the promise ring he had given me when we had 7 months of dating and some dog tags that I
engraved for our 4 year anniversary that said "TOGETHER FOREVER". He didn't want them. He
said that he wanted me to keep the ring but I could never bear to look at it and remember
the promises he had committed himself to and broken. That ring meant us. It had so many
memories but they were only that, just memories. The ring was meaningless. Promises were
broken and there was no purpose to it anymore. He could sell it and use the money to buy
the skank a ring or whatever he chose. I hoped he didn't but I knew that what I wanted
wasn't important anymore. Two weeks to replace me. Two. From the day that he and I started
dating, it took only two weeks to fall in love. I know it sounds crazy but I had fallen
for him. I was madly in love with him. I would've given my life for him in an instant. Now
that we're over, I can't help but wonder why it isn't possible to fall out of love in two
weeks as well.
I was stupid enough to text today but like always, there wasn't a reply from him. There's
so many questions that roam in my head day and night. Did I really mean nothing to him?
Why was I so easy to replace? Why is that he's able to live with himself when the girl
that he supposedly love for than himself is hurting? How can he not care that I am slowly
going insane day by day? I want answers. I'm also scared about his reply though. I'm
scared that he'll just apologize and admit that he made a mistake in making me believe
that he was in love with me as well. It's cruel though. I can't accept that. I can't get
it through my system that he no longer wants me. That he never loved me. That what me and
him had was a kids puppy love. That he grew tired of us and decided to look for somebody
better.
I'm a good person. I come from a good family. A family that gave me a good education and
good principles. I have a big heart. I care for people. I'm smart. I had goals and was in
the correct path to achieve them. I can be funny. I was even saving myself for marriage. I
wanted him to be the one. He understood that, or at least he made me believe that. If that
was a problem then he could have told me. We could have taken that step together. I loved
him and I knew that I wanted him forever. How was he able to forget me so quick? Why was
it so easy for him to walk out my life like I had meant nothing? I can't accept. I want
him. At my age, it's hard to find a guy who will respect you as a girl and wait for you.
All they want nowadays is get you in bed. I know I won't. Where does that leave me? Am i
meant to spend the rest of my life single? What do I do with my dreams of marriage and a
family? I know that I can adopt someday, but I really wanted a family. I really wanted him
to be the one. I wanted to finish college together. I wanted to be the one to push him
through it. I wanted him to see me walk up the stage when I accepted my diploma. I wanted
him to be there with flowers and tell me how proud he was of me.I wanted us to get an
apartment together. To live life as a couple with no kids. To keep learning from each
other. To spend the nights laying with each other and telling each other the smallest
details of our day. To have afternoon walks with our two dogs. I wanted to wake up and
have breakfast for him. I wanted him, I only wanted him. But he's gone and he doesn't even
care.
This morning when I woke up, I made it a plan to not cry and to get as much done as
possible. I ate breakfast, and then gave my two kids a bath, then while ironing clothes I
watched Harry Potter. He'll remember me whenever he watches Harry Potter. He was never a
fan but I made him like it. I was his only creepy girlfriend who was a walking
encyclopedia about HP. He knew that I was crazy about the series. I couldn't help but cry
while watching the movie. After I was done, I knew I had to get back to cleaning. I could
no longer spend my days crying. I knew I had to get back to my routine. I was dead inside
though. I was like a robot. My mom got home and we ate dinner, her friend came over and I
when I could no longer stand her staring at me with pity I went to play with my kids. I
have two of them, a 4 month husky and a black labrador. Maximus and Puma, Puma is my black
lab. He was given to me by Johnny, he was our rescue puppy. That dog has brought me so
much happiness that I can never thank God enough for putting him in my life. I've gone
through so many bad times and my Puma bear has been the best comfort. Now, he looks at me
with his big brown eyes and I can read what he's trying to say, "momma, where's poppa?,
why hasn't he came to see me?". It seems ridiculous but it's just one of those things that
you have to see for yourself to believe. Puma can feel my pain. He know that I am hurting
deeply. I feel bad now, for the past two weeks I had been neglecting them. I couldn't look
at my puma without thinking of him. I had to be strong though, I had two dogs to care of.
Last night my sister showed me a song and ever since I haven't been able to stop listening
to it. It's crazy how every word hits me. The song is called "Almost lover" by A Fine
Frenzy. Every note of the song is a stabbing pain but I can't bring myself to stop
listening to it. I take comfort in knowing that the pain is a reminder that me and him
existed time ago. The night has fallen though, and with it the promise of another day. A
new day to start over. A new day to rot in misery. A new day to fill with more pain over
him being gone. I'll go to sleep in hopes that tonight I can sleep without him being in my
dreams.
Goodnight world.
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