rainy

My heart in a knot
2012-07-01 20:44:48 (UTC)

green with envy

So I've been feeling a bit of stress in the last 24 hours, I hate when I get this way. It's a series of emotions that I experience that range from anger to sadness to intellectual thought. I know it has everything to do with my infatuation for this girl "K". I have to control everything in me not to burst into a angry rage.


Other then that I've been kind of thinking about beauty and what it means here in America. If I haven't mentioned this already then I guess I will now, the girl I'm panting over might be someone most people consider attractive, and it has conjured up a lot of emotions in me when I think about all the attention she gets when I notice that she isn't necessarily very outgoing. In fact she claims to "hate attention".


Maybe I'm just jealous of her, maybe I don't like her at all, maybe I just see someone with similar phenotypes as me who is more successful then me in making relationships with people (even when she doesn't seem to try) that I'm just envious. Maybe I want to be her, or maybe I just wish I could get the kind of attention that she receives.


I don't even think she realizes it.. people crowd around her, they want to be near her, she is never given time alone, someone is always approaching her or trying to talk to her, that's what I notice in class, and this happens all without her being outspoken or approaching them first. This is what I mean when I say people are attracted to her like a magnet. Yet I look at myself and the situation is not the same, if I ignore people they usually ignore me back, where as she ignores people yet they are persistent in talking to her and being around her. She could be the most evil person alive and people would still be trying to befriend her.


So I guess it is evident what I feel is jealously. It's not just in the situation in class either it can be applied to every aspect of my life. Her life compared to my life has been so much more fulfilling, she's done more and seen more, she's experienced immense happiness and wonderful friendships. She's confident and secure with who she is and how she looks. She's living the life I wish I could have, and I'm intensely jealous.

I want to be loved passionately. But I don't know if that will ever happen and I don't know how to get there. I know one of my problems is not getting out enough but I can't help but to wonder would it even do any good if I tried. I lack the social connections that most people have, I haven't met anyone new in a long time. I'm only now starting to re-connect with my family as I've learned that I really appreciate them and they are my support system.


Of course I'm still the lost little girl without a birth mom and who has a dysfunctional relationship with my adoptive mom. I still seek that relationship first over any. While looking at photos of "K" over and over again I sometimes come across the one's with her and her mom, her mom doesn't seem to smile a lot but they look like they have a close relationship, I'm jealous because I don't feel like I can get close to my mom, not the way I want to.. These are the unresolved issues that are holding me back from creating successful relationships with other people.


I'm a bit upset with myself for feeling this way about "K", I'm also upset with the extremes that I've gone through just to obtain more info on her. I've been quite successful, that's one thing that is very clear about me.. when I want something I go for it at full force, and I did very quickly, and in a clever manner if I might add. lol.


So... tomorrow is my gym class, I don't have any expectations I know I will deal with my emotions and I will do my best to control them then the day will go on and I'll be fine. ( I hope)

BTW... I got some new shoes the other day and so far I love them. I haven't had new (nice) shoes in a long time, these were only $17, they were on sale from $24.. they are running shoes, and they are pink, they are a size 1-1/2(u.s.), the didn't have a size 2, but they had a 2-1/2(u.s) but I decided to go with the 1 size because they seemed to fit more securely on my feet. I plan on doing more running even after my gym class... one thing I've learned about my body is that it is terribly out of shape even though physically it looks perfect to most people. I just don't have the muscle strength and flexibility that I should have. Plus my cardo workouts have helped a lot with my breathing and stress I put on my heart sometimes.


My room is still a mess... it reflects how unstable I've become over the last few weeks.. I had gotten so good at being organized and neat but ever since "K" things have been going down hill.. but I plan on cleaning it up soon..I need to re-organize my life and hopefully things will start to fall back into place.


OH YEA... I made a 94% on my math project : D that's really great because that's an "A", i mean it wasn't that hard.. but still I'm glad I made a good great because it will surly help in the long run. I think the only place I lost points was finding one of the x-intercepts.. I found the intercepts but I don't think I used the right formula. Still I'm happy with that, in fact I'm very happy with my progress in this math course. I haven't heard anything from the school I applied to yet though.. but I still have to send in some official documents until I'm accepted.. so hopefully things will start to move along and I can jump right into things during the fall.. if not I will find something to do.

...I'm hungry again.. I don't know if I'm starving myself or if I'm really working within a reasonable grocery budget.. My budget is $100 for each month, lately I've been going over it more, usually by $20 or so.. financially I don't really know what's going on, I am making less money because I'm only working 13-18 hours a week, but somehow I am spending more.. my gas budget is $90, which I have been under each month since getting my new car, and my grocery budget is $100 which I usually go over a bit, I have a $20 budget for shopping which I rarely ever spend in, but the last 2 months I went over that budget..


July I'm cutting back!! I'm going to try to spend $200 or less this month just to see if it's just that expenses are rising or if I'm over spending. Oh yea speaking of it being July.. I was supposed to have moved out by now.. but we are having issues with the current residents who don't want to pay rent and move out.. so it will be maybe another month or so.. but when it happens you can believe I will write about it.

Well I think I'm going to go get started sorting through some of my photos.. I really want to get more into photography because I really love it as a pastime.. I also want to make more photo quotes.. I possibly might make one tonight before I go to bed.




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