rainy

My heart in a knot
2012-05-22 21:07:09 (UTC)

I know the truth

So this entry is more about my parents. I got kind of pissed off tonight when a lady who use to work with my mom and attended the same church as us stopped by. My mom had picked up her son from school I guess and was watching him until his mom came.. anyway they were in the kitchen talking and I heard them talking about the education system here and how parents really need to be involved with their children etcc..


Well, I can say from experience she has been very little if at all active in my growth and development, academically or mentally. I hate how she makes herself seem like this "great educator" who has done so much and really cares about children. Do you want to know what I think?? I don't think she even really likes kids at all.

I understand she seems to hold a lot of resentment because she was unable to have children of her own, so maybe it has been hard for her to connect, but I've seen her with children including my own personal experiences growing up and in my opinion she doesn't care much about children, she seems to just have wanted the job.

Here's another important observation that I've made, when she is around her blood-related niece and nephew and other blood-related relatives she seems to show much more care and concern, my adopted cousin had a little boy who she doesn't treat well in my opinion, when he comes over she doesn't engage with him, she just turns on cartoons and sits down and watches them rather he is into them or not.

The way me and my sister came out is not due to purly our genetic nature, it has a lot to do with the way we were neglected by our adoptive parents who where so into doing their "Christian duty" by adopting "poor, helpless children" who wouldn't other wise have a chance at life. I'll never forget one thing my adoptive dad said, he said if they had never adopted us that we'd still be sitting in foster care going from home to home. I thought how bold of him to make such a statement to assume that they have "rescued" us and that we would of never found our way.

Who knows I might be a lot better off had they never adopted us, it could of gone either way. I get so mad when I think about it, but at the same time I don't complain much because I am aware that there are tons of children who have parents who are a lot worst then mines, plus I'm aware that my birth mom had no concern for us and our well being, so I guess I should be grateful right?? grateful to have escaped dire poverty, abuse, and neglect? and for those things yes I am grateful, however to have grown up in a family with no emotional love or concern for my personal growth and personality has really taken a toll on me.

I do still live with my parents, and they make it seem like a "drag", like they can't wait to get us out of their lives, they talk about it like we are draining their resources or something, and I do want to reach independence and autonomy how ever I feel I haven't been prepared for it, I don't have the social skills or life experience because my parents have kept us so restricted from just about everything.

Another point I'd like to bring up is higher education, now I know I've written about this before and some people tend to be very stern with their belief that parents shouldn't have to pay for their children's college education, and I agree to an extent. However if they have the means and they want their child to be educated I think that should put in a little effort, even if it's just motivating their child, my parent's haven't even done that, they show 100% no interest in my education or even care for what I'm doing in school, they don't even know, and haven't even asked. This is the same woman who is a "educator".

I can't help but to feel they adopted us more for selfish reasons, for 1, I think they thought it was their duty as Christians who where unable to conceive on their own to "adopt helpless children", 2, I think they did it to fit into the "norm" and not be the "childless couple", 3, I think they expect to get something in return when they are too old to care for themselves, I can't help but to feel they are expecting us to "put money into them" like they put money into us.. I don't know how clear that is but I can give you an idea on how we were financially.

First off we mostly only got new things at Christmas, we never spent time shopping together or doing fun events at the mall or stores. We were fed, but often got the cheapest food imaginable, often my parents would buy reduced price bread, which was about to expire in 1 or 2 days just so she could save $1. Often the fruit was rotten or about to rot and we would still be expected to eat it. My school lunches were the worst ever, I was often too embarrassed to even eat my packed lunch at school in fear the other kids would laugh at me because often my mom would put random stuff in a plastic baggy as apart of my lunch, often the sandwiches were moldy and falling apart, the banana would be dark brown and also falling apart.


She just didn't seem to care.. this is what I mean when I say they didn't want to put much money into raising us. Meaning.. we got sent to the poor under-performing schools, we got cheap food, used clothing, we celebrated birthdays until about age 10, after that they seemed to have the idea it was no longer worth it. And I'm not talking about a huge party either, we would have birthdays where we did absolutely nothing, not even a special meal or recognition that it was our birthday, not even a gift from the dollar store.

I'm really hoping I'm not sounding snobby here, but if I am then it means I'm not getting my point across the best way here.

I guess the core thing I feel upset about is education, because I see so many other parents, even really poor ones, who seem to care more about their child's education, our parents let us drown in TV and not enough study, our social lives were also pretty much restricted which is why I feel I have such a hard time today starting conversations with people and being social. I remember when my friends would call my mom would never let us talk longer then 5 minutes, she'd always pick up the phone and say "time is up, I need the phone" and this happened all the time, often she wouldn't even be on the phone but for a few minutes, not only that but if a friend invited me out I never would be allowed to go.

I have a little cousin for instance who at age 14 has been allowed to hang out at the mall with his friends, but when I was that age I was stuck at home sitting around bored.

As I type this I really feel anyone reading it is going to think "she's asking for too much and sounding snobby", but it's hard to explain the general lack of love and concern that my parents have for us. It's almost like they adopted us so we could sit at home all day like little animals you buy at a pet store. I can honestly say that I equate our experience growing up to that of a dog, we where fed and cared for, but so little went into it.

If they were as poor as it sometimes seemed for us then they should of never adopted us. I know of a single mom who doesn't make a lot of money who has at least enrolled her child into a local soccer team. It might seem like something children don't need but children need to experience life, they need to learn team work, and have different experiences. My parents never cared to enroll us in anything but public school, which is why I don't have the social skills and team work skills that I could of learned by participating in extracurricular activities.

I'm going to stop now... because this is not turning out the way I want it, I just feel that it's something that's hard to explain without me sounding like I was asking for a lot, when there are so many children who don't get anything at all, even food everyday. I don't feel like I was a very selfish child, however I do feel my parents didn't do anything to help me be successful, especially when I think about all that other parents do (not all of them rich)to help their child have fun and enjoy life. I feel my parents didn't do anything for us to have fun..


On another note about my health, my head is feeling better, I returned the rest of the food I bought that I think caused my sudden headache and other issues. I was glad they accepted the return, they even returned it at the full price instead of what I paid for it, which saved me 3 dollars.


I just want to close with this: Kids that grow up with different life experiences and who are allowed free expression and personal growth grow up to be the leaders of their nation, but kids who are stuck at home all day except for school and church who never get the opportunity to experience life grow up to be sad people who end up in the cycle of poverty. That's the reason there are so many extra programs for children like sports, clubs (like girl scouts), volunteer opportunities, carnivals, parades..etc.. kids should be allowed to have different life experiences not be stuck at home all day like a majority of my childhood was spent because my parents didn't want to spend money on gas. What's the point of having kids if you are not going to allow them any fun??





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