rainy

My heart in a knot
2012-02-04 22:18:07 (UTC)

My relationship with my Mother

The other day I found some folders that were my adoptive mom's, one was a book my sister had written her when she was a kid, it's nice to know she still holds on to stuff like that.

It reminded me of easier days, and the love we had for her, I'm not saying I don't still love her, but back then things were easy. I think over the years she has grown bitter, and upset about things. I really wish she and I had a better relationship, it hurts me that we have such a sour relationship.. when I think about it I can't even really remember why or how it started. But we just began to not get along. Now I simply stay out of her way, we don't fight or argue at all, I respect her completely but we just don't seem to get along and it really hurts.


She has been well achieved in her life. She has numerous rewards and recognitions, she has faced hard times, but has prevailed. I don't always agree with some things she says, or some of her techniques with raising us. But inside I can tell she's a great woman who has overcome a lot to get where she is today... now she's retired.. she sleeps in most of the day.. I can tell all she want's now is to take a break and rest, she want's to see different things around the world, and she want's to be apart of a strong community. She care's about me even though she doesn't show it. I think more then anything she wanted her own biological children, but couldn't conceive, and even though she adopted us, it must be very hard for her to feel connected all the time.

I also know she wishes she could of gotten us when we were small babies, my sister and I might not have half of the problems we have today which have plagued us, one being our short stature, which I think she has a hard time accepting.

It's only been in the last few years that I've gotten to know her through learning about where she's been and all her achievements that I've began to feel so distant from her, my birth mom hasn't achieved half of everything my adoptive mom has achieved, my birth mom is "nobody" to society, while my adoptive mom is "somebody"... I feel that my entire family has felt this way during my time growing up, I didn't see it then, but I see it now. I think they feel bad for my adoptive mom for adopting us, like we are underachievers, never meant to be apart of this social class. I only say that because as far as my extended adoptive family goes none of them really know me and my sister. They don't have any photos of us like they do of my younger cousin, I notice that when I go to their houses, I really feel like they feel we don't "belong" in this family, we just don't seem to "fit".


Anyway.. I'm trying to make things right now. I'm almost finished with my psychology degree, I have to battle mathematics and focus harder then average people in science but I know I can do it. I'm thinking about attending the college that my adoptive mom attended.. even though I really don't want to, but I figure if I get a degree from there she might feel a little more proud of me. Where I'm at right now in my life disappoints her, I can tell even though she hasn't said anything. I don't have a CAREER.. I have a job.. a low paying, no skills necessary job.

I don't really want to do something just to make my parents proud of me.. I'm still my own individual person, but I don't want them to be in their old age worried about me. I feel like I have all the tools for success within me but I lack motivation.

I just don't want to be a disappointment to them. At least I don't feel alone in this, I know there are soo many other people trying to live up to their parents expectations, it's so much pressure!!!


Sooo I think I will do this... I will attend the university my adoptive mom attended... (if I don't get into the university I want to get into) .. they will be happy and hopefully I can get a scholarship so I don't feel so bad for going there. I'll get a great job and they can stop worrying about me. phew...


I actually don't know if it will work out like that lol, all I know is that I'm continuing to do what I started and that is to take one step at a time. I'm happy to be nearly done with this psychology degree, I wish I had gone about this differently, but I can only live in the moment, as much as I want to I can't go back into the past and fix all my mistakes.


ok so back to my mom... I know I have parts of her in me, I'm very much a mix of both of my parents, and also a bad mix of my biological "parents". My biological "parents" gave me some of the most undesirable traits anyone would hate to have, but my adoptive parents have given me the strength to over look them and focus on the positive traits I have. I'm not perfect.. and sometimes I don't like who I am, but I can work on things.. and I can try to live my life the best way possible.




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