rainy

My heart in a knot
2012-01-28 21:40:40 (UTC)

moments

I don't really know what's going on with me but I have overwhelming depression right now. I just feel like I can't be myself and I want to, I want to let go of all the feelings I'm experiencing and just go back to the way things where.


I guess this brittany girl has a lot to do with it. I've basically been trying to date her ... of course.. she doesn't know who I am. lol!! it's complicated!! I'm complicated! but I don't want to be : (


So nothing can last forever, and I've learned that people don't last forever, they come and go. It's sad, because I always want to hold on, I'm desperately holding on to people, I want to keep them beside me, put them in a jar and never let them out. No one seems to feel the same compassionate need to hold on to people the way I do. I know that when my parents die I am going to have the worst time, I am trying now to prepare myself for it, I am rationalizing with myself about it, I see them aging and it's hard for me to handle.

I want Kay back.. I thought about her all day today. I thought about her stupid myspace page and what she said she wanted in a partner and I was nothing like that. Why can't I just accept friendship? maybe I'm like steve... he wanted me to be his girlfriend, I told him no but said I would be his friend, but he didn't want that because he didn't want a friend. And I see that same trend in me, but I've also learned that the best relationships start off as friendships.. or at least they should. I sometimes find someone I want to be in a relationship with and I get so excited I just want a relationship, and I expect it to develop quickly, but half of the time I only know a few things about a person and haven't taken the time to REALLY get to know them... I want to jump into a relationship, but I really need to be trying to jump into a friendship. Of course it's frustrating in a few different regards.


Ok... well at least in lesbian relationships.. I notice that trend.. friends before lovers.. I try desperately to find the girl of my dreams but she's hiding somewhere.


At least my mood is a little better now.. I'm talking to brittany while I still can.. I don't know how this is going to end. I'm a bit worried, yet I feel fine about it at the same time.

I have a lot to work on.

on another note, I love biology! and math is going well too : ) but it's still early in the semester so hopefully things will continue down this path.




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