Truthful

Finding my flow
2012-01-06 23:30:35 (UTC)

another masterpiece from me

How are you?
Sorry, I had to stop our morning conversation in between because my manager dropped by from nowhere. :)
Let me continue with what I want to convey...
As far as acceptance within the family goes, my relatives will never accept our relationship not even my grandparents because of this religion crap but I dont care anymore. My parents have told me that they don't like it as well but they are with me whatever decision I take in my life. All they care now for me to settle down in life. So, if your immediate family accepts me I shall be fine.

Lets back up a little...There was a time when I was deeply troubled by my relationship with Ash. I felt that I am in deep love with him and can't live without him. He told me very unpleasant things, which made me depressed. I was very immature at that time, I even conceived once, he didn't support me then, behaved very neutrally. I felt so hopeless that I just decided to abort. It was the time when you guys went for Florida trip. There are lot many stories about my depression but lets not get into the details.

In 2008 when I started overcoming my depression, I seriously thought of breaking up with A, I looked for guys, dated some for short time as well. But then I started noticing drastic changes in Ash's behavior. He started showing possessiveness, became more caring, started saying good things to me like you are a smart girl etc. I think the fear of loosing me made him change.
(Also this other guy I dated turned out to be real disaster.)

A helped me a lot in the later part of my Phd and also during my job search. I feel indebted to him. The kind of independent and successful woman I am today, it has lot to do with him.
After much up and downs in my feelings for him, I have concluded that he is not a bad guy but is completely untamed.He is very emotional but he thinks that being emotional is being weak, hence he avoids expression. He could be a loving father if not a caring husband. His innocence still charms me but I do get disturbed by his irrationalities. Overall, I think of him as a very intelligent and capable guy.

I have flirted with other guys while I was still seeing Ashfaque just to boost my confidence but on the other hand I found him totally committed to me, although he never say so. I came across many guys recently who convince the girl that they really love her and promise to be together ends up ditching her. Ashfaque is certainly not among one of those. I think he is very true to his commitments, whatever little he makes.
I don't think I can trust anyone in love now. Arrange marriage is one option I have, but then I do worry about Ashfaque, what will happen to him? he might get more possesive when he sees me going away. It is impossible to make him understand that If I marry someone, I can't continue to talk and meet him like the way I do now.

Anyways, I doubt myself also If I can ever break up with him?
I don't know how will I react if he marries to someone else? Sometimes I feel that it may be good for me to move on. I dont know....

Also, I don't know how can you help me? why am I telling you all this? May be because I wanted someone close to Ashfaque to be aware of my feelings...I dont know how close you are to him, but I couldn't think of anyone closer.
Your parents seems to have liked me. You know Madhu aunty na..
She was asking me once about my relationship with A.She also told me that your mother has told her that she will be fine if A decides to marry me.

Love is complicated, atleast for me. I am not too keen about marrriage overall but I can't live my life alone and also my procreative instincts are peaking. So,if marriage fulfills these two needs of mine, then why not?
The another benefit I see in marrying A is his family. Every single person I have met in his family is so warm, humble and so nice to me. It's very self-assuring.

I truly love A and he loves me too I know.
I want best for both of us, but cant figure out what could that be.

What do you think F?

(My email might look a very serious one, but I am not really that worried. I am doing good and been very optimistic).
Think about it in your leisure time and get back to me at your convenience.




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