Truthful

Finding my flow
2012-01-03 18:54:45 (UTC)

Opening my heart out in this email

Ekdum baby ho. hai na??

I don't want to discuss anything about your girlfriend or my boyfriend with you anymore. Its no point. If you had queries/concerns, why did you back out at the time it happened. Now, I have lost the memory of it, most of it...so I can' tell you sequentially what happened and what didn't. Also I dont care to remember because I didnt lie even at a single moment so...whatever I said may be I end up forgetting now but I trust myself that I didnt play it unfairly. You can read my previous emails, I think I have explained each and every bit of my action and reason behind them. Most important, please read what have pissed me so much from that entire episode, that I am still unable to forgive you for that.

I agree that I shouldn't bring up the issue of my boyfriend with you, or infact any guy I consider or considered or will consider for relationship. Unfortunately in my office, I deal with guys all the time so I do talk about them either Sashi or Gang whatever...but they are my collegues and for sure no romantic elements involved. Its hard to avoid talking about them because then there is nothing left to talk.

S, you also know ki shaadi kerna utni badi baat nahi especially for Indians like us. Tum kisi ko bhi pata sakte ho aur meri shaadi bhi kisi se bhi ho sakti but their will be life beyond and after shaadi. I am concerned about it. Don't think I am trying to convince you to marry me because I understood the problem from your side now. Yes, its a risk involved...and if you dont want it, why will you take it?
I am helpless when it comes to him. Aur tum sab jaante ho to tumse chupana mushkil hai, for a new guy it may not be that hard.
My reason for making such proposal is pure love I feel for you. I feel that we can bring positive change in each others life but whatever...I am not too sure myself.
Besides all the hatred and atrocities I feel for your actions and activities in the past, I can't deny missing you each and every day. I feel we are connected may be not as soulmates but as siblings. I am not sure of the nature of the connection. My offer to you of making me your sister is open as well. You can choose that, if you see any benefit in that one.
I can still take care of you.
I use to dislike people of your kind (bookworms) a hell lot but you made me realize that it is just a different way of life which is equally fair and logical. Driven by ambition (like you) and not by curiosity, fun and pleasure (like me). Thinking long term than living in present all the time.
I can't live the life you do simply because I am short sighted. I can't predict the future, I find life is just too random so think its useless to follow any perticular path...but may be you are a smarter creature you can see the pattern and believe that future is going to follow that trends with minor purturbations. Hence you plan for long term taking into consideration of possibilities of minor changes.
Your attitude is good, but your ways are just too messed up. Tum jhoot bhi bolte ho, per uska prayachit bhi kerte ho. Tum God fearing bhi ho, but uske existence per doubt bhi kerte ho.
Tum mujhe love to kerte ho but like nahi kerte. You care for respect but have no self respect (u call yourself kamina).
Besides, you look at everything in black and white..not just human beings. Bahut saare examples hain related to our previous bf/gf. Yeh isne kara diya, yeh usne kara diya...
I find so many flaws in myself but why should I tell them to you!!! You should find it out like I did about your hypocrisy, paranoia...

S, meri zindagi mein kya hota hai mere control mein nahi. But if I feel the love for someone, my point is why not to express it? Because expression gives me a great pleasure. If the person on the other end reject my love that is hurting but more hurting for me is not to tell. People are differenta and so is you and me.

I dont know if you read my emails or not? But I still write them and send them to you because this gives me some kind of satisfaction.
Hope is addictive! you gave me hope in life and now I want it more and more...may be I can get hope from someone else but my mind thinks that you are one for now!
Tumhara pyar kerne ka tareeka bhi bahi yaad aata hai, even when I am with someone else, sometime I imagine you while making love.
Woh pyar bhi ek drug ki tarah tha...aur chahiye aur chahiye..
Besides your love, I like the idea that you have a small family...family of four loving people. Relatives etc hardly exists and not too involved in your life. In my case, I could never ignore the influence of my relatives in my life and sometimes (infact many times) when they hurted me, I couldn't even complain. I was told that they are your relatives, learn to tolerate. Life was tough, its usual many people faces this..but tumhare pariwar se mil ker laga ki shayd us humiliation ko I can avoid. Jab hum log chote the na S, sab log kehte the 2-2 ladkiyan hai Arun ki, dahej kahan se aayega bechare...its normal to hear such things though, shayd ab meri mummy bhi aisa kerti hain logon ke saath but you know...choti thi to yeh sab bahut bura lagta tha. I told you about my fear of rape also na...mujhe nahi pata tha ki rape kya hota hai but mujhe lagta tha ki agar aisa ho gaya to I will be screwed big time, I will loose all my independence, hope, studies.
We were never poor but my father is like me. never plans for future, bus present mein hi rehte the. Touchwood, ab life bahut achchi hai hum logon ki..things are going toward better ever since. Per darr lagta hai agar India jana pada aise hi, log to mujhe taane de de ker maar daleinge. My parents really dont protect us from emotional abuse. May be I should be strong enough not to need protection, but honestly I am not. I was saying this to my mother this time and then she started crying, ab woh bhi theek nahi. Isliye for whatever happened nobody to be blamed but our fucking society. Mein sochti thi ki aisa saathi mile jo samaj ke koi kaide-kanoon nahi manta ho, woh mujhe mila bhi...but for stability in life we do need some kaida kanoon.
I saved myself from social abuse by being with him but than being the victiom of personal abuse. really nobody is to be blamed. Aur my life is so much better than so many other girls. I feel myself lucky.
Tumhare father and mother se mil ker laga ki un logon ne tumhein zindagi ki harshness se door rakha, aur isliye you achieved this height of success. Mujhe afsos nahi bachpan ka but aise hi laga ki shayd zindagi thodi easy ho jaye...may be not fair to expect when I am not ready to give up at any front of life.
You are flawed too because your parents took so much of your care that you never learned to take care of yourself. Never become independent in real sense. I thought may be I can fill that gap in your personality. But to be honest, although I did make the proposal but I am not too sure myself. Most important reason for my proposal that its seems to me you didn't find the girl! because you look for me in every girl you meet...just my assumption. :)
Tumne socha tha tum ek majboor ladki (matlab ki mein) ko sahara doge, to tumhari respect society mein kitni badh jayegi. But ab I dont behave like a majboor girl, so may be you dont find me attractive enough.
Per tum mera phone utha rahe ho aajkal, baat ker rahe ho roz...iska kya matlab hai? :) :)

anyways, time will tell...




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