Maelstrom143, By Sun or Candlelight
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2011-12-30 19:08:34 (UTC)

My Sister

My sister was younger than me. I thought I had time. I thought someday soon I am going to visit her, take my kids and hubby to see her, let her know how proud I am of the woman she has become. I kept waiting for her e-mails, not stressing when I did not hear from her for a while, thinking I had so much more time. All this time came to an abrupt end this month. My darling, beautiful, talented baby sister died in her home while her family was out. She died and I will never again get to hold her or talk to her or see her lovely smile or hear her voice or see the crazy faces that she loved to make. It is breaking my heart.

Always before I knew that, no matter time or distance, there was this woman somewhere out there with whom I had an irrevocable bond forged of pain and love and history, memories that we shared, moments in time that we lived through together. She was my baby...I cared for her, helped raise her, bailed her out when she was in trouble...I never thought she might one day disappear from my life leaving such a dreadful empty vacuum in her stead. It is like a part of my world has suddenly become a dark and dreary wasteland.

She was a wild child, always getting into trouble, but with a smile that could light up a room. People loved her. She was so funny, honest, sarcastic, smart...from the child that raised my hair on end she grew to be a wonderfully talented, intelligent woman, a great mother and a wonderful wife. She was finally coming into her own, realizing how intelligent and talented she truly was...I could not have been prouder of her. I used to brag about her at work, telling people about my crazy little sister who turned into such an awesome person.

Now she is gone. All that promise and beauty obliterated in a single moment and I keep thinking I am going to eventually wake up and it will all have been just a terrible nightmare. I keep thinking...what am I doing here? She should be here with her kids...she should be here riding in this vehicle...she should be here admiring all this lovely world. She should be here! I want my sister back!

I hear all these people crying and lamenting her loss and I sit here feeling this horrible pain in my chest, not really knowing what to say. What can I say? Whoever says crying makes you feel better lied. It just makes it hurt worse. I sit here bleary-eyed wondering what I could have done differently, how did I fail her? Always I have been the person in our family who fixed things when things went bad, taken care of our family.

I can't fix this, though. I go round and round in circles trying to find what I can do to make things better, but the sad truth is that it is not going to get better. She is not coming back. The world is still turning and the sun is still shining and life continues on without her and it does not seem fair. It seems like something should stop, something should change to reflect our loss and yet it keeps going on like a crazed Ferris wheel and I can't get off. Things don't always happen for a reason and life is not always fair. All I can do is sit here, remembering, and realizing now when it is too late how very much I loved and needed my sister and how I missed the chance to be with her, taking for granted that she would be there when I was ready.

Now, time has run out and all I have left is regret and sorrow. I was blessed to have my sister in my life and that she loved me so dearly in spite of our differences and I did not really realize it until it was too late to appreciate what I had. I am sorry Chachi. I will miss you forever.