rainy

My heart in a knot
2011-12-25 21:36:15 (UTC)

Family

So today was christmas... and instead of staying home and spending the day with my dog I decided to go 88 miles to another town in the country to spend time with my family in a little apartment. I haven't spent time with them in a long time, in fact I've felt kind of distant from them for a while now.. my uncle looked bad... he is a smoker and I think his smoking use is starting to catch up with him. I feel upset because I've never seen him like this before. It made me realize how important family is and all these years I've spent hiding away from them.

Of course they are not perfect.. they say a lot of things that upset me and have opinions that I don't always like. But I guess it could always be worst.

I've been feeling disconnected from a lot of people lately, and I need to learn how to reconnect.. I'm having problems at work too, but I am still working on getting a new job. BTW I can't remember if I came here and mentioned this or not but I had a temporary job working as a "santa helper" at a photo booth in the mall. It only lasted 2 weeks but it was a awesome job, until I got sick anyway.. but I love the mall, I love the people there and the atmosphere. It would be my ideal place to work for me. I use to hate crowds but now I love them, in fact I was right in the center of the mall, so if someone knew me they would of seen me, like mel... now that I think of it I do remember mentioning seeing her and writing about it, we still haven't connected digitally.


Ok.. back on my christmas... I spent some time with my sister today.. which is rare.. we have never been really close and I find it hard to get close to her, for some reason I feel very distant from her, and I think we are very different. I do wish we were closer.. I've known her all my life. I don't really understand why we aren't close besides our personality differences. It makes me feel sad and kind of guilty for not really getting to know her.


I really need to start making some personal changes in my life although I feel guilty saying that because I've said that before and not much changed.. I also feel kind of guilty for being so cheap this year with xmas gifts.. but I was on a budget.. I really want to get to know my family better.. but I don't want to hide who I am anymore, which is the reason why I became so distant in the first place.. I really was too afraid to show my true self. Now I feel a little more comfortable.. I'm going to open up.. I don't know how the thing with my sexuality will go over with them... if they ever find out.

Oh yea... today I did all the driving, which scared the crap out of me.. because I had to drive on the freeway which meant I had to keep a certain speed, it was sooo irritating! my leg started to hurt at one point, and I was worried because my sister and little cousin were riding with me.

Some points I kept worrying I would loose control of the wheel but I didn't, I kept calm and focused on the road and tried to ignore the other cars around me.. I'm not a good freeway driver and I worry way too much about getting into an accident, but my new car did really well today, and so happy that I decided to get a new car instead of getting my old one fixed..


Well... that's all I can think of for now, I wonder what adventures await me in the future. I can't wait to start project 365 next year, I'm starting January 1ST and I will be taking a photo everyday and keeping a record of what it's about... so by the end of the year I should be able to have a detailed visual display of everything I've done that year! ... I'm excited but also a bit worried I might end up giving up on it like I did when I first tried it... but I think the key is to get rid of all of my other distractions so that I can focus on the camera and remembering to take a photo.. of course I will have classes coming up as well, but at least my camera phone takes decent photos..


well goodnight for now.




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