Snuffy

Danielito
2011-08-29 19:34:53 (UTC)

The thrill is gone.

What I mean is, writing in this journal has become less thrilling being that Mary logged in and read everything I had recently written. I thought I had found a sanctuary - a place I could be completely honest for once - a place where I didn't have to try to sound reasonable or have to sugar coat the truth. Now I'll be thinking in the back of my head, "better explain a little clearer what you mean" or "try to be a little more fair" because she might eventually read this. I'm gonna try not to but it's just not going to be the same.
So.. I was at work and I got a text which read something like "I read your journal, I know about Colleen." A rush of terror came over me. The rest was a blur. She talked about packing up her stuff and never trusting me again. I felt terrible but I couldn't blame her for feeling that way. I must have a bad habit for keeping dark secrets. When I think about it I've always held secrets to myself. I guess I like the rush of being bad and getting away with it. I know I'm not as bad as a criminal but my bad deeds are smaller, like a secret crush toward someone I shouldn't, or smoking behind my parent's back. I imagine most people are like that but I want to be different. I want to be true. Anyway, I called her after work and she didn't answer. When I got home, she and Londie were gone. The TV was left on. In our room, a picture she had drawn of us on the beach was ripped up and the red candles I bought for a romantic dinner I prepared for her were broken into pits. I had never felt such sadness. It was so movie-esque. I was living in a movie about a dysfunctional family. I wanted things to end but not like that. I have been hoping we could both have a calm discussion concluding that we could no longer be happy together, then strategically and considerately move apart. I suppose that is still my wish. Well, let's finish the story.. I decided to read what she had read in this journal and I felt even worse for what she had been exposed to. I had been brutally honest and harsh. After reading for a while she called me. We talked for a great while. I broke down in tears - feeling hopeless, sorry, tired, depressed, overwhelmed, angry, hurt. She wanted to stay the night at Melanie's but at midnight she texted me saying londi couldn't handle it and she drove home. We embraced. I told her I broke my friendship with Colleen off. She asked me if I was glad I did it. I said yes, I was relieved. She asked me If I felt sorry that my dream was lost. I definitely am. I like to think I'm a realist and that ideals rarely exist but when it comes to love and companionship, I want a second chance with someone else. There is so much bad history here... There have been so many things that I've discovered about myself including my needs and there are so many people I've met since I've been married that staying with Mary doesn't interest me. Colleen understood and felt horrible for coming between Mary and I. She agreed that our friendship could no longer exist. Now we don't text. Working together will be weird. I miss her. I hate to say that, but we became close friends. She's so much like me and understands me really well. I've told her most everything. It's hard to lose contact altogether. I feel alone again. It's amazing how much I've wanted to turn to Pornography for comfort, for escape. The combo of feeling free of my marital problems and finding potential romance in someone I admire made me feel like i didn't need porn. Now that I'm back to facing my marital problems and my fantasy relationship is gone, I'm back to being a pathetic dependent of porn. I haven't given in but the temptations are nearly unbearable. I also have no sexual outlet because if I have sex with Mary it'll really be using her. Although, when we do make love, I feel like everything is ok between us. That's probably another incentive for doing it. I don't want to hurt her anymore though. How can I help it? I don't wanna be with her, I'm not attracted to her, we have nothing in common.. She wants to work things out and I don't. How can I be transparent with her and not break her heart??
To be optimistic, I'm going to fake it til I make it. I'll try to have fun and be funny around her and stay off the porn and time will tell.




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