rainy

My heart in a knot
2011-06-17 21:50:48 (UTC)

qualifications..

I was thinking today about Kay...(is that a surprise) lol.. ok seriously today was the first day I went back to work since she has left... and it really put things into reality for me.. I don't know if I was expecting it to be a joke or something were to happen and she was going to stay, but sure enough her car was not there and her cubby was not occupied.

I started to cry..again. What can I say.. my emotions get the best of me. I only calmed down about 4 hours later but still had emotional flashbacks during the day.

I stood in the spot where we first met (btw my episodic memory is really good) and I thought about all the things I should of said to her and the first impression that should of been made but wasn't.. and I guess that triggered the conclusion I'm about to explain now..


I don't think I met her qualifications, I assume if she thought we were going to be friends she would of shown interest in the early days when we first met instead of ignoring me. In fact it was not until October that I remember she started noticing me and I had been there for 8 months already. Even so the last day we met and spoke I didn't make her laugh.. and I know that's a big qualifier when people decide to make new friends, I imagine if I had her laughing like a comedy show she would of decided to ask me for my phone number instead of just accepting that we would never see each other again.


I hope I'm not thinking too much into this.. I enjoy studying people and trying to piece people's actions together however I've learned that some things people do on the outside don't reflect what they feel on the inside.. it is possible that she did want to exchange contact information with me so not to loose touch however I highly doubt that.. of course that's me being pessimistic (or realistic).

I'm definitely a realist. Of course I don't always know peoples thoughts just by carefully deciphering every word, body expression and response they give me.. I hang on to every word.. Like when Kay was talking to me and told me she was going to be in the mountains and I said "so you like the mountains" and she was like yea of course I'm from the mountains... My interpretation was that she thought I was just stating the obvious because I had nothing else to say (or maybe that was how I felt) anyway I did not give a smart remark when she said she didn't know I had a dog.. how was she supposed to know if I had never spoken to her?

And like when she told me she had seen what I had written for her.. when I knew it was impossible because she had been in the bathroom when I wrote it..


ok I'm done with that.. I'm still upset and missing me and feeling a lot of regret about not at least trying to get to know her..


So a quick note about my paper.. it's about the internet and the philosophy that surrounds it, how we conduct ourselves and what we should and shouldn't be allowed to do.. who governs it and why?

While reading my source article I realized that since I was a teenager I've been steadily using the internet. It has become my second home and I have isolated myself because of it. So I want to try to stop using it (in excess) I think I spend about 6 or more hours online when I don't have work. And when I am done with work I usually get online..

I think the problem is that I don't pay for internet, and I don't think I ever could, it just seems like something that should be free.




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