Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2011-05-24 01:43:55 (UTC)

Psychological Wounds

I've had a very challenging day, emotionally. Sometimes I wish when I had troubles or needed to talk, people cared as much as they think I care about their lives. Don't get me wrong, I do care. But when I'm not happy or I could use a friend to talk to, no one is around. Nobody cares. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Humans are inherently selfish and only really care about what's going on in their own lives. It's a good thing I have my diary. Regardless of whether or not anyone reads or responses, just the act of writing is cathartic.

I've come to the conclusion that my past selfish, close-minded, cavalier ways have irreparably damaged my life right now and in the foreseeable future. I don't feel like getting into all the details but I know what I mean. When I was going through all of my issues, I really didn't give a shit about anything or anyone in the process and I realize now that I'm utterly alone (aside from my husband and children). I'm not really where I'd wanted to be in life (I had goals and plans at one time, many of which I haven't reached). I'm not sure what I should do about that. Give up on them or continue holding out hope that someday they'll happen. Part of me isn't even sure if I have it in me to put in the work necessary to get there. I suppose I could just accept that this is my life (for better or worse) and I'm stuck. Or I can continue the internal struggle I fight on a daily basis. Wanting more, hoping for more, wondering how I ended up where I am now and so far from where I'd hoped to be. I don't wish to change what I have (I love my family, always wanted a family), I just wanted better for myself and them. I'm sure I'm not making sense, but like I said before, I know what I mean.

Tomorrow is another day. Of course it's going to be another day not unlike today. I'm simply hoping to be more appreciative of it. Usually I am, I'm not sure what the hell is wrong with me right now. I feel overwhelmed by things normally easily surmounted. I'm stressed about my jobs, my family, the future, my past mistakes (regret takes a long time to set in for me). Maybe I need a psychological tune-up? But I hate psychiatrists, counselors, therapists and all the other titles they go by. Nothing personal, I just hate talking to them. I hate the torturous "homework" they give and the emotional scabs they rip off and the salt they rub in my psychological wounds. No thanks. I'll cope... eventually. Even the most centered person in the universe has their off moments now and again. I'm having one now.




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