rainy

My heart in a knot
2011-03-09 22:06:24 (UTC)

He irritates me sometimes

So today I was supposed to meet up with sean and we where supposed to go to a thrift shop and then just hang out, but he did not show up... he claims that he showed up but he know's he didn't. and I know why he didn't show up... only because the last time we were going to hang out I ended up changing my mind and staying home, but only because he was being an a-hole the previous day. Plus I was just stressed over some things...

so today he felt the need to have me drive out there so he can not show up I guess to "teach me a lesson", it's not the first time he's done this. I swear he has a ton of problems, maybe more then me. At least when I know I'm not going to meet someone somewhere I just say so instead of knowing that they are going there only to wait for me when I'm not going to show up... I really don't like sean for that. In fact I'm starting to really hate him. He's not a good friend, or a good person. The only reason why I even hang with him is to have someone to talk to. But lately I've been wary of even that since I tell him things about kay and I think to retaliate against me he might tell her that I'm doing these things or try to mess things up at my job.

Sean is a con-artist. I still truly believe he holds some hard feelings about things from work.. and I get the feeling he is trying to give me a STD.. but I refuse to sleep with him.. why am I even hanging out with this jerk?? ... oh yea... I'm lonely.. so I need to fix that, I deserve a better friend then him, I deserve respect and kindness, when I think about it all sean has done since I started back talking to him since the fall out at my old job is cause me stress. And I hate that I feel depended on him for someone to talk to, but I have a deep feeling he is out to ruin my life. For instance we he was trying to have sex with me he would not put on a condom, as if he either wanted to give me a STD or get me pregnant. Plus he always tries to get me to pay for him!, he thinks I'm a weak girl and plays off my insecuritys! but I will not take it any more!


Now I have to worry about things with kay, and if sean will contact her to tell her things I've said regarding her..

Plus things at work seem to be getting bad, I can tell there is some talk about me going around, a lot of the head managers are giving me strange looks or simply not speaking to me, it's a sign of something.. of what I'm not yet sure. I worry it could be possible they know about things with kay, or possibly something dealing with my old job.. it makes me want to quit, but I need a replacement job before I can do that. I really hate this situation. and I hate my job.

So my current dilemma is that I'm deciding to remove sean out of my life, because he is a bad influence on me, although I can think of a few positive attributes, the bad outweigh the good. Like his sexual advances, his smoking, his suspicious activity's.. for instance he claims he has so much money yet he has not worked since my old job. I also think he has an STD. Mostly because he seems to not care about who he is sleeping with. Another thing is that he is into porn, not just watching it but he also makes it. He want's me to smoke and drink and go out to clubs where I don't even fit into.

I think it's really hard to find a decent friend who is not out to get you in some way..

I think I could be a good friend to kay.. but so far things have proven to be disastrous.. and I wish that instead of doing what I did that I could of just tried to hold a normal conversation with her and get to know her slowly over time instead of just trying to push my way into her life and causing her stress.. "friendships take time to develop" I wish they could happen instantly the way I felt when I first saw her... I just wanted to be her instant best friend, but that doesn't work like that in the adult world... people are very distrusting. I think kay can trust me. I lied to her because I wanted to know her... and I lack the basic social skills to approach her, that's still no excuse but I just felt lost and hopeless I reacted without thinking things through.


If I could be instant best friends with kay right now then I would do it, I would tell her everything and none of it would be a lie... I'd let her read my-diary and see how weird I can be at times.. I'd tell her all my secrets and hope she would keep them safe. We would do so many fun things together.. and I'd text her everyday. I feel like she and I could be friends like that...I remember when I first saw her how I could just tell by looking at her that she and I have so much in common yet I don't feel that the feeling was shared..

In fact I remember one time as I was leaving work, back in the very early months of me working there, she and another girl (who no longer works there, but she and her are friends)they were standing at the entrance, and I remember how invisible I felt as I walked right by them, I saw them standing there together and thought we have a lot of things in common yet for some reason they can't see that.. wait.. I remember my exact thought was "I'm just like you", Yet I felt that even if they had noticed me walk by then they just would of thought I was nothing like them....


The funny thing about kay is that I spent so much time watching her in the first few months of me working there and she did not even notice me.. I wondered "why?" .. why she did not notice me.. I wrote "happy birthday" on her birthday card that everyone get's at work when they have a birthday, but I didn't sign my name.. I had been working there like 4 months and she still had not noticed me at that time. It was not until I was there about 8 months until she started noticing me... and that was only because I was watching her closely. One thing for sure is that it would never take me 8 months to notice someone watching me... but I guess she was distracted with.. WORK.. lol.

I remember feeling like a sad puppy who wanted her attention but she was always doing something... and even when I had her attention I was at a lost for words..I spent so much time trying to figure out something to say to her.. lol. I remember one time when we were alone in our section, it was so perfect to start a conversation with her yet I just stood there trying to figure out what to say to her, I came up with like 8 different topics in my mind but never said one. I don't know if she could tell or not that I was trying to talk to her, I was standing near her and not in the spot I would usually stand, mostly hoping she would say something to me first. I wish she would of said something to me first because I was too afraid to say anything...


it actually was not until one day when I pretended to get some paper towels at the coffee station that I had the courage to say something first... by then she had picked up on me and would not say anything to me at all, as if she were waiting for me to say something first. After that day she and I have been talking but usually only small talk in bits and pieces.. well there was that one time in the break room...we could of had a better conversation but we were not alone and I just open up better to people for the first time when I am one-on-one with them.

But what it all comes back to is how I feel to know that it was not "instant" for her like it was for me... when I first saw her I wanted to be friends, there was no ambiguity, I thought we would make the best of friends.. but she didn't notice me. But like steve said...I guess it's always like that.. btw steve was the guy who liked me but I did not really like him, but I was willing to be his friend, however it was not instant, I did not picture myself being friends with him. It's possible kay and I are in that same situation- I just may not be her ideal friend, but she is mines.

I'm so emotional!!!! wow, seriously... I need a doctor. lol.. this weekend I have the possibility of actually talking to her, she will be working on almost the same schedule as me, although it's not really likely that our paths will cross unless I happen to be going to the bath room or we go on break at the same time.. which is unlikely. I like her a lot, she is so beautiful... I'll have to describe her beauty in my next entry...





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