rainy

My heart in a knot
2011-02-27 23:54:25 (UTC)

Normal

I've calmed down a little bit... I guess after calling her a few times, I feel like such a bad person.

But I've noticed I have changed a little... although I do have this very serious problem..

One thing I know is that since I've gotten older, words don't hurt me as much as they use to, now that I know that people sometimes just say things out of anger, or because they are uneducated I know that they are just words, when I was younger they were so much more then words, but now they are just words.

However, this problem with kay has me looking at myself in a completely different light. i realize that I don't know how to open up to people or express my feelings naturally. Some people might even say I don't have a personality. But I do, it's just messed up.


I wonder how kay would feel if she knew how much turmoil she puts me through, I really believe she has no idea... except for her caller. I literally go on an emotional roller coaster-- ups and downs... twist and turns.. it's not a fun ride. In fact it causes me a great deal of stress and interrupts my life. yet she has no idea. All I want to do is be her friend, but not knowing how or what to say or how to react is my problem. I turn into an awkward duck around her, it's a huge problem. At least now I am better able to identify my problems, and hopefully soon I can better work them out. I feel like I've lost her, especially after tonight, there is only so much a person can do, and I'm worn out, and nothing hurts more.

I'm really trying not to sound over emotional, although I feel like it comes off that way, I really wish I could explain it better.... so I will try...


Imagine wanting to ride a bike really bad.... you've seen how it's done and you know all the steps but once you try to ride it everything just falls apart. Yet you keep trying to put everything together and ride the bike yet you just can't seem to get it, but it seems so easy when you see everyone else doing it, and it seems like everyone knows how to do it, but for some reason you just can't get it right, and it's like there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to ride, it's so simple.

This is how I feel when I try to make friends, or simply have a conversation with someone.. I don't have the experience and I can't seem to get it, yet it seems like I don't have autism and there doesn't seem to be a real explanation, except for my years in foster care where I was abused and neglected... I can only see that as a logical explanation, to think as a small child I never learned the very basic social skills needed to survive. But I also feel like I really can't use that as an excuse because I've seen people in worst situations then me who seem to have social skills and can at least make a friend. I just don't know what to say about myself.

It's frustrating-- life to me is so complex. I just can't seem to fit in, anywhere.


I'm so sick of sad and depressing blog entries, but that's my life, I hate to be the "negative" person... I should smile and be happy.. that's what people suggest but it's so hard. It reminds me of a quote from the movie "About a boy" where he explains that he's tried to make himself happy and his mum has tried to make herself happy but it doesn't work like that, you need other people to make you happy. I love that movie, it's what I deal with. It just shows that you need people in your life, everyone does, I never understood that, I always thought I could make it on my own but there is a reason why people take the time to make friends and maintain relationships with them because if they don't they will be lonely.. and that's what I tried to do with kay, I just wanted to start a friendship with her, but I messed things up, now it's like she's gone.. and there is only one kay on earth... there will never be another one like her.

Well, tomorrow is a new day... I have a test I will prepare for and someone who will be running through my mind the entire time, but I will try very hard to block them out so I can make an A. I feel optimistic about the future, despite my flaws.




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