rainy

My heart in a knot
2011-02-18 22:11:14 (UTC)

sisters..

Things with my sister have not gotten any better, I can tell you we
have never really been close, I don't even really know what she thinks
about me, but now I feel like things are really bad like we can't even
talk to each other anymore. I really wish I could fit in with my
sister and my brother but I don't think I'm anything like them.. I
just feel bad that we are so distant and that things are only getting
worst.

After our argument the other day I assume she is still planning on
kicking me off her phone plan this sunday, it has not really set in
yet but I don't really know how long I'll be able to go without a
phone, but to get a plan would be out of my budget because I just
don't make enough right now for it.

I don't know what went wrong with the two of us, she is the only
person on earth who has known me all my life yet I feel like she
doesn't even know me. I almost even feel like I sometimes embarrass
her because it's obvious I have no friends or anyone in my life. Still
I have always wished she would do some things differently, she and I
are so different.

My family situation makes me want to cry, we have always been
dysfunctional in my opinion but at least in the past we would have a
few conversations now no one really talks to anyone and they seem to
treat me as if I don't exist. I feel like maybe if I were a little
louder they would notice but then I would just feel like they were
annoyed with me..

I just want to fix everything, I don't understand why we don't talk or
why my parents don't just ask me what's going on with me and my life
right now.. I feel like I am not the person they expected to see in my
adult life.

As a kid I always felt apart of the family even the extended family
but as I get older I see how little I actually fit inside their cookie
mold, I'm adopted and am not truly related, it makes me feel alone and
lost. I feel like my last name should be changed because I don't
belong with these people, nor do they even really like me.. it's
tragic to have these feelings but fixing things seems to be impossible
I wish I could though.

I will write more about me and my sister another time but don't hold
me to it, I just have a lot of deep emotions right now and I need time
to rest and relax.. I'm dropping physics class to save my GPA which
can't handle another failed course, I am however doing well in math
class. It's basically a wasted semester that I should of spent taking
4 or 5 classes instead of taking the wrong classes.. but I will try to
catch up and hopefully soon I will have my degree..

Well today was a 8 hour day and tomorrow is a 7.5 hour day and then
sunday I have off of work, I still have not seen kay much... but it
was this way last year so I figure this is routine for her.. but when
I do get the chance to see her I do say hi and I try to have
conversations with her, so far they are all been really short.

well good night...




Ad: