Maelstrom143, By Sun or Candlelight
- September 2007
- 03 - Loneliness
- 04 - Loneliness...revisited
- 04 - Mneme Uncovered
- January 2008
- 02 - To Be Me
- 02 - Songs, poems, and all ...
- 02 - Strawberry Wine - by ...
- 02 - One of Us - Joan Osborne
- 02 - Ai wa kanyo de ari, ai ...
- 02 - Long-lost vice...
- 04 - Sometimes Love Just ...
- 06 - Sundown again
- 12 - Between a rock and a ...
- February 2008
- 16 - Two codes, one save.
- 20 - Maddia
- 20 - Viejito Lindo
- 20 - Un Pasado Tan Vacio
- 20 - Camptown Races and all ...
- 20 - "Viejo, Mi Querido ...
- 20 - Shadows' Man
- March 2008
- 25 - I'm Pinging again
- September 2008
- 01 - Too many brands in the ...
- February 2009
- 04 - Don't Nag.
- April 2010
- 04 - Burning
- May 2010
- 05 - The Good Mother - A ...
- June 2010
- 06 - When is it too soon to ...
- August 2010
- 19 - My Lover, My Husband
- 19 - Forever the Ocean
- September 2010
- 01 - Spilled Perfume, By Pam ...
- 10 - Soliloquy
- October 2010
- 05 - I want to whine a bit
- November 2010
- 07 - Random thought processes
- January 2011
- 25 - Funny the things that ...
- May 2011
- 06 - Last Night
- 06 - Longing
- 06 - Close Your Eyes
- 06 - Waiting for the Morrow
- 06 - About me...
- 06 - We Are...
- June 2011
- 08 - Really pissed right now
- July 2011
- 05 - What if...?
- December 2011
- 30 - My Sister
- January 2012
- 03 - Dear Sister
- 29 - Hi Sis
- 30 - Chacho
- February 2012
- 13 - Sand Castles
- 13 - Haunted
- 29 - Some Days Are Better ...
- March 2012
- 31 - Little Butterfly, by ...
- April 2015
- 24 - Compunction
- May 2015
- 02 - The Heat of Me ...
- 18 - I Remember
- August 2015
- 26 - Walk Away
- March 2016
- 11 - Sonnets from the ...
- September 2017
- 04 - Pondering old memories ...
2011-01-25 16:11:28 (UTC)
Funny the things that trigger the past...So often I think I am done, I am in the clear...and then the past
catches up with me, sneaking up on me unawares, whispering in my ear,
breaking my heart all over again. I have been contemplating calling
mom since December. I actually did try several times, but the number
did not work. I now have the right number, but due to triggered
memories and the ensuing chest pain I find I am unable to pick up that
phone and call her.
I love her. She is my mom. I do not hold anything against her. Yet,
every so often I find myself back again, feeling the pain of the abuse
she inflicted, the blows and, even worse, the horrible things she
said, and I find I am not strong enough to break away as easily as I
should. How do you reconcile the lovely woman who used to sing to me
at night when she was happy with the monster who hurt me so terribly
that I wanted to die to get away? How can the woman who took me to the
hospital when I was so sick be the same woman who would keep me up all
night praying, kneeling on hard rice, until I could no longer feel my
arms or legs?
What hurts the most, though, is knowing that, in order to survive, I
had to strike back. One should never have to protect oneself against
the ones who are supposed to be there to protect us. It breaks
something inside, violates a trust that can never be replaced. The
pain never goes away. We hide from it and we live with it. We learn to
work past it to survive and live in fear of becoming what we fear.
It is so funny. I met a social worker recently, working with a psych
patient. We were discussing children and these ill individuals and I
told her how my mother was paranoid schizophrenic and this lady was so
happy. She felt that, if I had turned out so well there was hope for
all those children out there being brought up by severely ill
psychiatric patients. Deep inside, I cried. I did not have the heart
to tell her that, sometimes, we don't really escape. We grow, we
become more, better, but we never completely leave the shadow that
haunted our childhood. We live, always remembering, always touched by
the darkness we grew up in. Our lives are wonderful, but the shadow
gives everything a tinge of regret for lost childhoods and innocence
that should never have been stolen from us.
Maybe that is why so many of us become healthcare providers, cops, and
other careers where we help others. We could not help ourselves, others
may have failed us, but in attempting to help others we are...time and