rainy

My heart in a knot
2011-01-12 23:22:58 (UTC)

Petite

So I thought about entitling this as "another bad day" but deciding
that the day was not that bad and of course could of been worst. It's
actually more about my physical size.

I think I've written about this a few times, but I haven't dedicated
an entire entry about it so here goes..

My height is 4'11''. In U.S. terms that's 4 feet 11 inches. That's not
very tall at all.. most women are 5'5'' or taller in the U.S. so I am
distinctively not tall for my age. I'm the height of the average 10
year old. But it's not just my height.. I see people the same height
as me so it's nothing like how some people with dwarfism feel to be
the only person their height they seen until they attend a LP event, 2
women I work with are the same height as me actually, and a girl in my
class last semester was just almost the same size as me but skinner.

My other problems are my feet, my hands, and my weight... I wear a
size 2 shoe in U.S. kids. The smallest size they carry in women is a
5. So finding adult looking shoes is a pain. My hands are also small,
but not abnormally small, they are proportionate with my arms which
are small as well. I'm trying to paint a well rounding image of me...
I don't look like an alien, I look like a 10 year old. My weight is 95
lbs, which is not bad considering my height and body mass. Since
becoming a vegetarian I've some how maintained the same weight, I'm
not sure how but I imagine if I were not a vegetarian then I would
weigh more now.


Of course you are thinking... "there are small people like you
around...what's the big deal?". and I know that but there are other
things that I think about as I age, like the sound of my voice is
still very high pitched. I've noticed as you age your voice changes
slightly, but mines is still high pitched and child like. Also my
taste buds are immature as well, but lately they seem to be maturing.

Now my mind... I still sometimes revert to childlike behavior, of
course that's my borderline personality, and my lack of maturity is
due to lack of life experiences.. and being so sheltered by my
parents. So my mind has not had room to grow, but I'm working on that.


This entry was somewhat inspired by an event that happened a few hours
ago in my math class. A girl had moved seats in the middle of class
and sat right in front of me! and I could no longer see the board to
take notes... I was instantly enraged. Instead of moving or telling
her I could not see I sat there and loathed for about 10 minutes then
I got up and left the class a hour early. I did not want to leave the
class but I was so angry it felt like it might turn violent. And I am
not that way.. The point is that I felt she had done it on purpose.
and the more I think about it the more I want to hurt her. I blame her
for making me lose class time learning the material and she will never
be forgiven and forever hated.


does that sound drastic? well maybe it is but I'm hurt--- the rest of
the day was pretty bad as well, in physics class we were put in pairs
of two.... I HATE PAIRS OF TWO. This guy sat beside me and I was
annoyed the entire time. EVERYTHING about him annoyed me. This is why
I have no friends... I pick out every little thing about people and
use it as a reason why I don't like them or want to be near them. I'm
sure he felt the same way though because I put in nearly no input into
the assignment. Some times I'm better off working alone.


I don't know what to do.... I feel lost, suicidal again, and invisible
to the LARGE world were I'm so SMALL. Classes are hitting me hard but
I'm not trying, people are getting in my way. I sometimes wonder how
people with disability's are so happy and confident. You know the
one's the news is always doing stories about. Or maybe these people
just SEEM confident, maybe there are some people on earth who were in
bad car accidents and disfigured who never leave their house, or maybe
there are some people with dwarfism who really HATE being a dwarf.
People who wish they were average in the average world.. I'M NOT
AVERAGE...... but I WANT to be. I want to fit in and be like everyone
else but I'm not...


I've heard it over and over again that there is nothing wrong with
being different. Well I wish those people could take my differences so
I can be average and normal. I've never met anyone as different as me,
it's not fair.


I don't think being different is a good thing. However I can tell you
different people are the easiest to remember without any effort. I
haven't met a lot of people but the one's who were "strange" I
remember the most. I guess I'm strange-- but that doesn't mean people
will remember me, I have to actually be noticed for that to happen.

speaking of my petite size, I was at the gas station today and I
assume a lady must have thought I was a little kid pumping gas because
she was looking at me, as I looked at her she turned quickly, she did
not approach me, like I said I don't look like a freak...(no offense)
I just look like a kid.

I'm completely unsatisfied with this entry. I feel like I made so many
grammatical errors and went off subject, not that I'm trying to be
perfect I just want to express myself, but my mind is so numb right
now nothing feels right.

One last note since I've been writing for nearly a hour now.. today I
saw someone who looked like kay. Either it was kay or it was not kay
and I need some help getting her off my mind. I was leaving physics
lab and she was walking in the door. it was a long way down the hall
so I did not get a good look, also it was bright outside which made it
harder to tell who it was. She was the same height as her and had the
same hair style. She also had a water bottle that was like kays in her
hand. The only problem with that is that kay would be at work now and
she wouldn't be going to the same crappy college as me, especially
since she's already finished her degree. So I don't know if it was her
or not because I did not stick around to see, not because I did not
want to know if it was her or not but because if it was her I did not
want her to see me because that would of been strange and awkward plus
I was looking pretty bad today.

I ended up zipping down the hall afraid it might of actually been her,
I then drove around the entire parking lot to see if I saw her car to
confirm it was her or not. I didn't see her car. But I saw one that
looked like it but I could not see the back of it to know if it was
hers or not and I did not go around to check because I had convinced
myself that it was not her.

Well tomorrow I'm going to work, and I will try to find out if that
was her or not in what ever clever way I can that is not direct. And
if I can't find a way then next time I will wait to see if I see the
same person around that time.... it was so scary (the thought of
seeing her there) :p




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