Jaeu

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2010-12-29 10:41:37 (UTC)

You\'re just a body, I can smell your skin.

So it's been awhile, what with Christmas and all. I'm now in a relationship with a bird
called Helen. She's pretty awesome, everything I want. There's one slight problem: I'm
still in love with my ex, still want to be with you, and I'm not really sure what i'm doing
anymore.

I've kinda been civil with my ex when she's out and about, seeing as I introduced her
to all my friends and all my locals, so if I'm out with friends, chances are she is too.
The last few times we've been at a bar I've basically not looked her in the eye, until
Christmas day night. We ended up at a friends, only a few of us there but she was one
of them. The awkwardness got the better of us, and it ended up with the guy who's
house we were at to basically say, go into the kitchen and talk this out because this is
getting stupid, so we did. 10 minutes later and she left in tears. Maybe it was a bad
choice of words, but whatever. Ended up going to her house and talking things
through.

I realised however, that maybe I didn't love her in the relationship, but that I do love
her now. So it now comes down to us being friends but I just like, I want to admit it,
and say we'll be friends and jobs a goodn. Honestly though, I don't understand how
it's meant to happen or even work. Just thinking about the good times makes me want
her, it makes me want to cut.

I've started to ask myself if I'm forever trying to replace the last girl I get with, that I'm
forever trying to get over the last girl by being with another. I don't know what the best
scenario is. Do I break up with helen until I'm over my past and can say I'm happy on
my own? Can anyone honestly say they're happy on their own? I'd hate to spend the
next 10 years alone just so I can say I'm over my past, and miss out on, and avoid
something beautiful.

I think I'm forever chasing my past, something that I'll never have again, or that I ever
had. I'm constantly unhappy, regardless of the fact that I'm constantly surrounding
myself with friends who I love and mean the world to me. With my ex it was different,
I'd actually go to hers, I'd actually go out of my way just to be with her. We'd spend
nights alone together in her room and talk, I don't want to not have her as a friend, she
was my best friend. How am I meant to go back to that when all I feel is hurt? Why do
I feel so fucked up over my past shit? I just don't know anymore.

I put it down to how much you fucked me up, and constantly wonder if I'll ever feel like
I used to, before I had you. The last few times i've been in a car all I've wished for is
an accident which ends in me being majorly fucked, I don't even know. It's almost as if
I wish death and harm to myself, yet at the same time I'm scared shitless of dying.

I think if I was happy none of this would be going on. Maybe I'll see how me and
helen work, and if I still feel this way I'll take time out, to just try and better myself.

Why are you the only time I feel safe?

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