rainy

My heart in a knot
2010-11-18 20:48:05 (UTC)

change plz come

So today was a frustrating yet slightly rewarding day.

First off it doesn't look like kay and I will become friends, it
doesn't bother me that much because I know I am borderline, however I
did think we had a lot in common from what I do know about her and I
was interested in knowing more, but some things just are not supposed
to work out.

secondly I am still talking to sean.. I still think about that night
and I second guess myself but I took a lot of peoples advice on what
might of been going on in his mind was different then what was going
on in my mind... it was scary for me, however I'm paranoid about a ton
of things,, however as a guy it's possible he was just out of control
with being dominate. At any rate today I went to see him after work at
a coffee shop and he helped me with my math work (which I've been
struggling with) and I was so HAPPY! just to be with someone and
having a good time just talking.

I'm still socially isolated from the rest of society and it hurts so
bad so getting the chance to go out and enjoy life is such a relief, I
love it. I just want to feel apart of this world, I'm tired of being
the outcast.. leaving him today I got depressed real fast and it's not
so much him but just being in the presence of other people that I hate
to leave... I love having someone with me, and someone to talk to.. omg

I am a true borderline... in fact I'm starting to consider possibly
looking more into group therapy, I'm just not developing into the
person I want to be and all this time I've been thinking I can fix it
on my own but I am still making no progress and I still have suicidal
thoughts and feelings... I still have anger and frustration.. I still
get obsessive and emotional, I still have no friends and can't make
interpersonal relationships happen.

If only my birth mother had not screwed me up so much.... I just
imagine how happy I'd be right now.

Well... writing helps.. talking helps... I wish more people understood.

well.. I am going to go now, I want to write more because I'm
distressed right now so maybe I'll be back soon.





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