rainy

My heart in a knot
2010-10-16 21:19:18 (UTC)

he must have guilt?

I meant to continue this entry yesterday but the timing was not right.

But now I want to finish my story on sean and what happened at his house.

He asked me if I wanted to go see a concert with him, at first I was
not going to go because I did not want to drive, but he said he would
pick me up. So I decided to go, but the only real reason I went was
because our internet connection was down and I did not have anything
to do and was at home with my mom, who I feel does not like me.

Anyway, we drove to his side of town, and to his house, when we got
there we just talked, he tried to advance on me but I was not in the
mood for that so I did not get close to him. We were there for about
40 minutes or so. After that we left and went to a pizza place were
we had a vegetarian pizza.. that was the only thing I enjoyed, being
out with other people and feeling like a part of society.

Anyway, by that time it was pass the time for the concert to start,
but we went by their anyway expecting it to still be going, however
there was NO concert, and as much as he made it sound like he got the
dates mixed up I don't think there ever was a concert.

With no concert to go to he asked me what I wanted to do, I had no
idea, I was upset that there was no concert and I would not have mined
going home, but I was having a good time talking to someone and just
being with someone so when he asked me if I wanted to go back to his
place I said ok.

When we got there his mother was home, she was in the kitchen smoking
and he began to question her (in what I thought was a rude way) about
why she was smoking in the house. It's HER house, and he's 27 years
old he should not have spoken to her like he did..

Anyway when she saw me her attention focused on me, it was very
strange and awkward the way she kept looking at me. She did not want
to leave with the two of us in the house alone and honestly I did not
want her to, but at that time I was expecting sean to be respectful of
my space, I thought we would watch a movie or just talk. I'm not
attracted to sean the way I was 2 years ago, in fact, most of that
attraction is gone and has been focused to finding a woman to be
with.. but that's another story. I've even told him I'm attracted to
women and looking for a girlfriend.

Anyway his mom eventually left after sean kept nagging her, I felt
uncomfortable mostly because she wanted to stay there, as if she knew
something I didn't.

After about 5 minutes sean convinced me upstairs, he showed me his
dirty room, he had clothes all over the floor and everything was a
mess, he had writing on his walls and a shower curtain at his closet
entrance. I expected him to be a lot neater then that considering how
much he kept his car clean.

After he showed me his room I said ok let's go.. but he was not having
that. That's when he advanced on me, I have seen enough lifetime
movies to know what he wanted and how to get out of it. He kept saying
how much he is attracted to me, blah blah blah, it was frustrating
because I kept telling him NO, and I was not in the mood to do
anything with him, I'm a virgin and plan on keeping it that way until
I know it's time. But he kept on making up excuses he turned the
situation around on me about 10 times, telling me that I said it was
ok to do anything, he was making things up to justify all the things
he was doing.

This went on for about 15 minutes and I was fully clothed, I had on 3
shirts including my pull over fleece. I dress very conservative
usually plus it's getting cold here. He kept saying he just wanted to
see how I looked with my shirt off, and when I think about it I feel
like I should of been a lot more cautious about even going into his
room, I did notice a camera but did not look at it close enough to see
if it was on or not. He turned the lights off anyway.

He was real rough with me, he held my hands above my head and groped
me, I kept loosening my hands though, he is bigger then me and had
more strength but I know how to defend myself reasonably. I could not
believe what was happening, I kept on telling him no and that he was
making me uncomfortable but he kept on going, he even went so far as
to take my pants off while keeping me bound. He said he'd tie me up if
he had rope. I thought and hoped he was joking when he said that.
During all of this what was going on in my mind was that I could not
believe this was the same guy I had come to know and why he was not
stopping when I said stop.

He would not let me up, he tried to force his finger in me, each time
I'd try to leave or push him away he would bound me back. It was not
in a playful manner either and I started to get scared, but I did not
want to show any fear, so I played along, a part of me kept assuring
myself he would not actually hurt me because he knew there would be
consequences if he did.

Anyway... I was scared, I had thought about all the movies I had seen
about rape victims and I didn't want to be one of them. The way he
touched me was completely inappropriate. I'm upset and confused about
it, but not raging mad, I had known he was attracted to me but I never
thought he would act like he did. It won't happen again because I'll
never hang out with him alone again.

Of course that's the hard part, of all the people I've met he has been
the only one to keep in touch with me.. so I have a dilemma, the same
person who gives me the attention I crave has violated me in a way I
hated. So should I continue to be friends with him?

His nature did not seem to want to harm me, but it was like he lost
all self control in that moment, this is why women should never go to
a guys house without someone there or a friend knowing where she is.


Right now I don't know what to do or say. I feel violated but I feel
like it was something that will never happen again because I refuse to
let it happen, however I enjoy his good side, and having fun with him,
I just need to get that point across to him.

I haven't spoken to him since then, he wanted me to hang out with him
the very next day and even though I had nothing to do I told him no,
he got upset over that and said "I'm always making up excuses" .. but
after that night I was just happy that I was not a victim of the
circumstances, even though I felt violated I did not tell him that, in
fact on most of our ride home he did not mention it, all he said was
"I'd never hurt you, because that would be wrong" .. I replied with
"If you ever did, I'd kill you", .. this was all in a joking manner,
and he said "you wouldn't hurt a fly", of course I am still borderline
and I refuse to be anybody's victim.


I left out a few details, and a lot of the things he was saying to me
while all this was going on, because I don't want to be reminded of
it, it really turns a person you thought you knew into someone you
don't know and it's a scary picture. Plus I don't want to make a big
deal out of it, of course I'm worried about hanging out with him
again, and wish it had never happened. Now I'm just wondering if he
thinks all that he did and said was wrong and is going to apologize to
me, it actually makes me feel stupid for even going into a empty house
with him, but I trusted him, now that trust is gone but it has not
completely destroyed my friendship with him... it just has made me
very... VERY uncomfortable.


later.




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