Jaeu

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2010-07-25 06:52:11 (UTC)

The chemistry between us could destroy this place.

I should be happy, I should have a smile from ear to ear.
Then why do I feel like shit as always? Everyting in my
life is moving forward, except my thoughts of you.

I'm moving at the start of next month, new house new
start. I have a gf now, it's obvious we're mad about each
other. It's obvious she cares about me more than you ever
did. Maybe that's my fault though? Maybe we'd of worked if
the first day was slightly different. I don't even know
what i'm doing anymore.

Over the past week all i've been thinking about is you and
that I should break up with my gf. I don't even know why.
I've been told from a few people that i'm lucky to have
her, how i'm batting above my waist. All I can think to
that is you should of seen my ex. Compared to you she's
nothing.

Why do I think this way? I should love my gf, I should be
saying "yeah, i'm so lucky, she's amazing". Why am I not
even bothered in the slightest? Why am I comparing to my
ex? What is wrong with me?

I've stopped smoking weed, i've stopped selfharming, i'm
going to quit smoking and drinking soon too, in an attempt
to get back into working out again. In the back of my mind
all I can think is what's the point? The reason I smoked
weed was because I hated being alive. I hated the feeling
of being me. I hate me.

Why is it a constant battle for me to just not think about
you, to not want you to hold me and kiss me goodnight. I
haven't felt this shit in over a month. Everything with
the gf is going great. Maybe i'm so used to being
depressed that when i'm not depressed I have to over think
the stupidest things just to feel like shit. Just to feel
normal.

I miss you so much. I question if I should even be in a
relationship with someone when I feel this way. It's not
fair to them, it's not fair to us. No one compares to you,
why am I trying to find you in someone else when I know
it's you I want.

I remember the way my heart would pound everytime I saw
you. How I got that feeling in my stomach when I woke up
next to you, when I watched you getting ready. Waking up
in the morning and the first thing i'd see is love looking
back at me. I don't have that anymore. I don't get
butterflies, my heart doesn't race, I don't even know.

I haven't cut in so long, I don't want to go back there,
but I don't see any other way for me to move on from how I
feel right now.

Some say a comet will fall from the sky, followed by
meteor showers and tidal waves. Followed by faultlines
that cannot sit still. Followed by millions of dumbfounded
dipshits, and some say the end is near. Some say we'll see
armageddon soon, I certainly hope we will. I sure could
use a vacation from this.

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