Jaeu

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2010-05-07 18:43:53 (UTC)

I will learn to say goodbye to yesterday.

So many thoughts rushing through my head,
mainly all circling around you. Like what I
could of done that was so bad or so fucked
up that has lead us to this point in time. This
situation, this emotional shit we're going
through, or should I say that I'm going
through. Was it is the sex? Was I not good
enough for you? Maybe you just never loved
me.

I was going to come visit you like, when I got
back home, I was already booking time off
work to visit you like two weeks from getting
home. I missed you so much, you wouldn't
even let me. You won't let me now, or atleast
I bet you wouldn't. It's not like were talking
for me to ask you. I wish you'd talk to me.

Today's already been such a shit day, I woke
up at 9 after two hours sleep thanks to some
moronic twat doing DIY. Went to a friends for
breakfast, then hit a pub for a few drinks.
Ended up going back to another friends till
gone 6, got in pretty much at 7. We had a
music channel on while we talked which was
shit, seeing as every song that came on
reminded me of you, or had someone that
looked similar to you in it. Now I'm home
which leaves me with about an hour worth of
sleep, only I can't sleep because I'm so
wrapped up in thoughts of you. Half seven,
basically no sleep, works going to be so shit.
8 hours of me being so tired I'm unable to do
anything, while I spend the whole shift
dreaming of you.

I should be so excited about going to turkey,
but I'm actually not looking forward to it
because of you. If I don't talk to you before
we leave I'm going to be really upset for for
the whole two weeks, if I do get to talk to you
I'm just going to be sad and miss you and
how we used to be. Either way I'm fucked
over you. I don't know what I'm doing
anymore, I can't even talk to anyone about it,
and quite obviously you don't give a shit
anymore. I wish I didn't feel like you, I wish I
was over us, that I just didn't give a fuck
anymore, yet here I am, unable to sleep,
unable to function without you.

I keep thinking about how we used to be, 7
years ago, how we were so close and so
good together, how we were last year when
we started talking again, and how we are
now. It's so depressing to think I waited
seven years for you, and this is how it turns
out.

I wonder what will happen when you actually
get into another serious relationship with
someone other than me. What I'll go through
when you get married to someone so much
better than me. I've already lost you, I should
just end us now and get it over with. I know if
we lose contact this time I'll never hear from
you again, I don't think I'd be able to live with
myself if I never see or speak to you again.

I'm crying, you're not trying and I'm melting
away.

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