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2010-04-29 08:09:58 (UTC)

I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me.

I realised today that I can't live without you. I don't
really know where that puts me, seeing as it's never going
to happen. I can't believe I feel the way I do for you,
that i'm willing to give up everything for you. I know you
don't feel the same, which would suggest i'm pretty much

I'm going to Turkey in 12 days, you were meant to be
coming with me. It's going to be so hard not to cry myself
to sleep while i'm there. I won't have any green to help
me forget you, alcohol will just make me depressed which
will lead to the inevitable breaking down over you.

I'm more worried about how i'm going to cut with my skin
so obviously open. I don't really care here, even without
sleeves because i'm pretty sure everyone already knows.

I really feel so confused and lost, i've seen the girl I
want to grow old with, i've been with the girl I want to
have children with, i've never felt this way. I feel like
i'm being swallowed by the earth. I hate how I can't
change anything, how everything is out of my hands. Why
can't I make you love me? You used to love me, what was so
bad that you couldn't keep loving me?

Every week I think about going back on antidepressants, I
think I need to. I've started to scare myself, I fear for
the next time, every time. Almost everything about you
makes that next time ever so closer, I guess that makes me
addicted. I can't stop, I need you.

When you walk away I count the steps that you take.