Snuffy

Danielito
2010-04-21 20:07:43 (UTC)

History continued...

In continuation of telling the story of our engagement I'd
like to say that being with Mary felt safe and peaceful. The
whole decision felt right; the Spirit confirmed it was a
good direction.. I think... I probably already mentioned
this but I did seek for an answer in the temple about dating
Mary and I also remember that sometime along the way I felt
a certain prompting to not be with her (although it wasn't
clear what i was feeling or what the Spirit was trying to
tell me) and I started crying, praying that I would not be
asked to break up with her. Again, I didn't want to add to
her disappointing experiences with dating. Somehow, I pulled
compassion out of nowhere for this girl. I'm not normally a
compassionate person. Weird...
So during our engagement there were times of doubt for me. I
started wondering if I was really marrying the girl of my
dreams. I, like most people, had a fantasy person I would
have liked to marry. This girl was brunette, slim and lean,
fashion conscious but not materialistic, down to earth with
a great sense of humor, stable and confident yet dependent
on my love and companionship, the most attractive thing I'd
ever seen, a best friend, artistic in some way, and of
course.. madly in love with me. Mary was/is brunette but her
hair is a little out of control - sort of mistreated and
without a definable style. She was slim but with immense fat
potential and is now showing signs of her genes. Had she the
money she would dress better but our tastes in fashion often
clash. She is down to earth but her sense of humor leaves
something to be desired. I can make her laugh but there is
nothing coming back so it's a quick remark from me and a
chuckle from her and that's it. I wish it were more back and
forth and it'd be great if she could make me laugh more
often. Humor is important to me. Mary is NOT stable nor
confident but IS very dependent of my love and companionship
but because she isn't confident or comfortable in her own
skin she comes off as needy. Mary is pretty and can be
beautiful if she cares to be that particular day but she
isn't anywhere close to what my dream - fantasy girl looks
like. She's not the most attractive thing I've seen. She is
my best friend although we could have more fun together and
share more interests. She's not artistic and her love for me
is bipolar. Now, I didn't know her this well when we were
engaged but I started to see some of the potential problems
and that's when I started doubting. I kept telling myself
and still do tell myself that most people don't ever realize
those fantasies because it is unrealistic and perfect
relationships take time. I can point the finger at her all
day but there are a billion things I can do to make our
relationship stronger and richer. I can't get myself to stop
being so shallow and superficial. It's part of my personality.
So back to being engaged.. For the most part I felt good
about marrying her. It was progression. I took the advise of
the apostles and church leaders that waiting to get married
would only cause you to regress spiritually and since I had
found a girl who would be a great wife and a great mother I
felt I had an obvious choice before me. Looking back it
seems as though I had no choice and it all happened to me. I
of course always had a choice but it seemed so easy and so
right to just get married to her that I did without much
hesitation. I was intrigued with her country girl
background. She was a convert and considering her history it
was impressive. She wanted to be "in the right" all the
time. The truth is she is the perfect companion for the
mature and spiritually charged Danny. How often am I on my
best behavior?? I haven't been as spiritual as when we were
dating ever since. Also, I downplayed the concept that the
more shared interests the better the marriage with the
reasoning that we could learn from each other and our
marriage would have more variety and color. Instead I think
it has truly hurt us. We respect and support each other's
interests but we don't necessarily take part. We don't
understand each other's passion toward our respective
interests. I have to say I enjoy the freedom of keeping the
music thing to myself and not feeling obligated to include
her but when I want to share it with her I know she wouldn't
understand it or appreciate it the same way i do. And it's
the same way for her and her horses or massage.
Ok so we planned the wedding and the day came. We were
walking up the temple steps and I see a familiar face, a
past crush standing outside the temple doors with a smile.
It was sister Lewis from my mission. She was so much closer
in personality and physical appearance to my dream girl
description than Mary is/was and suddenly I felt more unsure
than ever before about getting married to her. She said she
had heard I was getting married at that temple that day so
she came by to offer her congratulations and to simply see a
familiar face. Half of me interpreted her gesture as
flirting and perhaps one last attempt at winning me over. I
couldn't believe that happened. Either the Lord was trying
to tell me something or it was temptation. I'm leaning
toward the latter. But I've always been like "what if..."
about that. I hate to say it but I sort of feel that if I
had waited to marry Mary until after we went to BYU-Idaho, I
would have realized how many fish there were in the sea and
I would have made a more selective decision. But I was in
Moses Lake at a single's ward full of un-datable girls. As
soon as I got to Rexburg I saw how many other girls fit my
dream girl profile better than Mary. I can't even believe
I'm typing all this right now.... I feel so bad and guilty
for feeling and thinking this way but this is a journal and
I'm gonna make my best attempt at being honest. But anyway,
how awful is it that I feel this way about my wife..
SECRETLY. I could never bring this up to her or anyone for
that matter. Up until now I've bottled it up and tried to
suppress it. I suppose I do try to focus on the more
positive on a day to day basis. I sort of pretend that we're
great together and that we're both happy. I think our
relationship is growing but also dying in other aspects.
That's a hard one to try to explain right now. I'm gonna try
to nap while London is napping.




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