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2010-01-17 19:19:59 (UTC)

Impossible dreams.

It's been a pretty shit week, i'm starting to feel the
burden of waking up. I quit smoking weed and bacci on new
years, only i've slipped back into smoking bacci at the
start of this week. Maybe that's why this week has been so
hard, is this how i'm meant to feel without the aid of a
pick me up? I don't want to feel like this, I don't want
to live in a world where you're not here anymore.

I spent wed and thurs at home this week, that's probably
been the longest i've spent at home in the last month.
That too could be the reason I feel the way I do. Maybe
spending the majority of two days talking to you is what's
upsetting me so much, it could even be the fact that
you're meant to be here right now.

Is it normal to want to be put on medication everytime
something goes wrong? I feel like my world has ended
everytime this happens, I feel like my heart breaks
everytime we talk, everytime I hear your voice. Why can't
my memories of us be happy memories? Why must I fall
towards cutting myself to not feel so upset and heart
broken? I wish I could just stop waking up for a while,
only when I wake i'm over this, i'm over you, i'd be a
stronger version of me.

I'm so tired of this emotion, this feeling and everything
that belongs within it's reach. I can't believe i've been
so stupid, thinking someone like you could actually have
feelings for someone like me, could actually want me
around. I don't think I can hold on any longer.

None of the street signs are pointing to you.