rainy

My heart in a knot
2010-01-11 23:13:13 (UTC)

Umm

Well today was my first day of spring classes, things went ok but it was a
little difficult following along with the syllabus, but I will figure it out.. 

So my Spanish teacher looks like she may be from Spain although I don't
know no one really asked her although she did have on a little vest that
said Spain, plus her Spanish is really good although she uses the "ja"
sound instead of the "llama" sound so when she says como te llama? She
sounds like she is saying como te jama?, lol I actually think it's pretty
funny and maybe I'll pick up on it. Well at least she is a lot better then my
last Spanish teacher since I could not figure out what he was saying in
English most of the time.

I'm really going to have to start eating more, I haven't heard anything yet
from the last Job I applied to even though they said give it a week I am
feeling kinda hopless about it, so I better start looking for another Job
asap. I was actually really bored this morning, I think I slept until like 1
something then took my time getting ready. So I better find something to
do to fill the empty spaces, although that will leave me plenty of time to
study at least for now.

I have another class tomorrow around the same time bur I will be there a
lot earlier to work on my other class work, I just have to pass these
classes with a's or b's it will really help especally when I take my math and
sciences.

I also heard from Laura today, I was at least glad about that although I
think she is going through some personal issues with her familia so I didn't
write her back or bother her today with my million questions that I usually
send her.. Idk I can just tell how this is going I just really wish I could
have a good friend like I did back in school, like with Mel since we had so
much fun, but after my little stunt she clearly sees me different and I'll
watch as it dwindles away to nothing, plus I don't think she sees me as a
possible real friend you know like someone you know inside and out, well I
gotta find someone like that, but I keep telling lies and I am unbelivably
picky, plus I always wait for people to approach me when for once I need
to do the approaching. I guess it's just so dissipointing you know and well
I guess in a way it is also dissipointing for her too, so we both got the
wrong end of the stick... What ever that means.. Lol I gotta stop using
phrases that I don't know the meaning to. Well if I don't continue to screw
things up I could have a true bff although I don't know how to approach
this girl, I don't know what to say and I just know I will end up messing
things up and making matters worst.

Oh yea, I also heard back from that will guy, he seems pretty cool but
more like it would just be fun to hang out kinda friend, like I think Laura
would want to hang if he came too, that would be cool.. Speaking of which
there is a girl in my class named summer, I thought that was so ironic
since I have been thinking of legally changing my name to summer. 

Other then that I been really thinking of what I mentioned in my last entry
about Latin culture and the values placed on family and really what I've
been looking for was for someone to prove me wrong, and I guess once I
find that person I will be "cured", I tried to get Laura to do it, but I'll have
to ask again later. I been thinking about other things too since this
"experience" I has at this guys apartment last Sunday.. Idk I haven't really
mentioned this guy much, but lately I've been hanging out at his place
working on my social skills if that's what you want to call it, however don't
get the wrong impression, I am not doing anything with this guy, I have no
feelings for him what so ever... He's just a ok guy that I know like a
friend... So yea, I hate to have to explain it that way but that's what it is.

What I really meant to write about is my attraction towards women, it's
honestly just getting annoying and I wish it would go away, I know I'm not
gay or bi and I know my attraction is based on my need to feel close to
women on a emotional level, but since I crave it so much it has turned into
something that's more of a annoying problem then anything else. I guess
I've gotten to know myself better over the years and after meeting gay and
bisexual women I realized I was not like them my attraction is based on
my borderline personality. Still I am who I am but that always changes..
Idk FML......

Well I am typing this from my iPod so please forgive any typing errors, I
will try to re-read and fix any errors but it's late and I'm getting sleepy. 




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