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2010-01-04 11:53:10 (UTC)

You wouldn't like me.

I can't even remember the last thing I wrote off the top
of my head, i'm not really sure where to start with the
recent events. I don't really recall the last week or two
anyway, so i'll start from sometime over the last few days.

I've been spending more time with Heidi, we went for a
walk yesterday before work around the brayford which was
nice, almost romantic. I'm not really sure what we are, I
mean nothing's happened between us, but there's something
there, we're more than friends, but at the same time we're
not? It's hard to explain.

I came home from work yesterday at like 11:40 'cause I
felt like shit, Sharon went on telling me that I need to
have all these disciplinary hearings for this and that
which they still havn't got round to doing. I booked next
week off and didn't get the slips back, meaning it wasn't
authorised or declined, seeing as I havn't seen them. I'll
be taking this weekend off anyway, it's JP's birthday
party on friday, and Dead Baby Perade are playing on sat,
so fuck work.

I'll be going to Saxilby soon, in an hour infact. Heidi
and I are going to have a walk down and get the train and
meet up with my brothers gf Hazel, some other people are
coming down later on. I'm hoping Heidi stays till wed with
me, I really want to just go somewhere witin the house, or
outside the house and just sit down alone with her and
talk, we'll see what happens I suppose.

I don't want to over step anything, I might sound like a
complete penis over the last few weeks but i'm really not.
I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable so i'm not
just going to jump her or sneak in while she's sleeping
and have her wake up with me next to her while she's still
drunk from the night before. I want this to actually mean
something, I want her to want me.

While all this is going on through my head, my ex spoke to
me the other night, we had a really emotional talk which
ended in both of us crying, wishing we were together.
She's such a mind fuck. I actually think she's the best
i'll ever have, mentally and physically, i'm still in love
with her which complicates everything even further. I'd
give up everything to be with her, but then it's like, I
completely contradict myself because I want to cut her
off? I want her to get the fuck out of my head, I don't
want to know her anymore.

During this conversation I asked her if she was back with
Matt, her ex. She said she didn't know, and that "we're
just us". What the fuck does that even mean, that you're
sleeping together, acting couply around each other, but
you're not seeing each other? ...? What? After you told me
that, all I could think about for the next 2 days was him
inside of you. I think the more I have you on my mind, the
more I hate you. If I hate you, why do I cry myself to
sleep because I miss you and want you in my arms? I wish I
never fell in love.

I saved up all my sunshine just to see you more clear.