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2009-12-24 22:34:31 (UTC)

I don't want to feel, this far away.

It's been a pretty fucked up week or two, me and my ex
started talking again, we went on for a few days and then
said our goodbyes, sent each other a letter saying see you
in another life basically. We're talking again now, it's
horrible. We don't even talk, it's at the point where one
of us is just going to burst and give the other loads of
abuse which will destroy anything we've ever had. I'd love
to talk to her, I guess it's still hard. She told me she
still loves her ex in the letter and that he's there and
i'm not, I don't know. If the distance wasn't a factor,
things would be different.

Quite a lot happened with Sian over the last, however long
ago my last entry was. We ended up meeting up and making
out and getting pretty heated. If you ignore the fact that
i'm a typical piece of shit male and she was cheating on
Chris, things were going really well, until Chris walked
in on us making out at a bar on thursday last week? I
dunno, something like that. I managed to explain to him
that it only happened that once, and manipulated him into
my way of thinking. The only down side is she's become
distant to me now, I guess i'm kinda used to that now,
being removed from someone's life after I sleep with them.
She said something to me the other night that I can't
quite work out, she said that seeing me again (after 4 or
5 days) made her wish that she didn't love Chris as much
as she does. I guess that means she likes me, I dunno. she
gave me a look tonight that said she wanted more, but yeah.

I feel kinda low tonight, i'm meant to be going to
Christmas dinner with family like, at 3 different places
tomorrow, I dunno, I kinda just want to curl up into a
ball and sleep through it all. I wish you were here.

Everything I loved and feared had all at once disappeared.