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2009-12-13 07:46:05 (UTC)

The only certain thing is uncertainty.

Today was really weird. Wayne (sisters bf) had a gig about
9ish, so me and my sister walked down at around half 7 and
got there at about 10 past 8. I only got to hear one song
because they didn't end up starting until 8:20. There was a
bunch of people there that I didn't know, but Hazel
(brothers gf) and Sian came down. Now i've spoken of Sian
before, being an attention seeking user, I guess? She made
a comment that Chris (her bf) was staying in playing board
games with some of his random friends so she came out
without him. She was saying that she walked past them and
headed back upstairs (chris stayed playing games) and she
heard one of them say something like "whoa Chris, you've
done well with that one", which hurt her apparently.

While we were sitting down she was like, "Jez, coming out
for a fag?", I had just rolled and was going to go out for
a smoke anyway, so figured sure. We got talking about Chris
staying in playing board games and such, basically what he
was doing in his spare time, and she asked me what I do in
my spare time. I laughed a bit and was like, "other than
work, out drinking, why do you ask? I'm always out with
you" and I made a comment that yeah, over the past few
weeks, everytime i've been out it's been with her and other
people, but she's always there with me. She then said
something like "you don't have to, you know?" and I agreed
and said I like being out with her.

So anyway, we go back in, I only had 5 minutes before I had
to leave for the bus for work, but yeah, got to see the
first song that Wayne's band played and then I left for the
bus after saying bye to everyone.

Within like, half a minute she text me saying to have a
good night and that we'll miss you. So I text her back
saying thanks and that it's shit I had to work and i'd much
rather stay there to see the band and then go for a few
drinks afterwards, in which she basically replied; true,
but it would have been great if I stayed out and that she'd
of made sure. So being polite I text her back saying that I
might still miss the bus and I might be out after all.

Anyway, I got the bus and text her saying no such luck
about missing the bus, but i'd talk to her tomorrow before
work if she's not busy, she text me back saying "I will
never be busy for you". We kept texting each other and
basically things got heated and we agreed to meet up
tomorrow, alone. She went on saying that she was looking
forward to it, and asked what we should get up to. Now,
she's seeing Chris, so I figured, play innocent and said
whatever you want to. She text me back saying "You".

Things got really heated from there and now i've a dilema.
It seems to me that she wants to sleep with me and before
she hooked up with Chris, I was going to try my luck with
her but things were shit with my ex and I still have, or
had feelings for her so I wasn't really in the right place.
Now we're on a few weeks break and i'm aware that she
doesn't love me, I know we don't have a future so it's
like, I don't want to cry myself to sleep over her anymore,
I need to move on.

Tomorrow, well, later today before work we're meant to meet
up (Sian), and it's basically a case of, do I sleep with
her behind my friends back, even if she doesn't care about
him, or do I tell her no and this, whatever this is, can't
happen. I know if I sleep with her she'll be using me, but
I don't think I can be in a relationship with this girl, I
really think I just want, or need someone to be close to,
and intimate with.

She got me so turned on with the texts she sent me, I
actually really want this girl. I have like, 6 hours to
work out what i'm going to do. I kinda want to take things
slow but that really didn't work with my ex, we got so
heated so fast.

I might be looking into this too much anyway, for all I
know she was just playing me, maybe when I next see her
she'll be all joking about it. It might be my paranoia, I
don't know. We said we'd meet up at 5pm but JP (Chris'
roommate) told me he was cooking dinner for them 3, so
she's made plans with me, but she already has plans, I
don't know, over thinking, paranoid, I really don't know.

I woke from the dream in a cold, cold sweat. I was full of
doubt and deep regret. Suddenly it was so clear to me,
there was nothing left in which to believe.