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2009-10-23 18:05:15 (UTC)

I miss you.

I realized today that i'm completely fucked up, I have
nothing and I don't really strive for anything. I have no
dreams, no plans for my future, I no longer have you, I
actually have nothing. All I do is fantasize about the
most stupid shit and wonder, what if? I don't even think
words can describe how I feel right now, I guess alone
works. I'm so withdrawn from everything, I really wish I
wasn't but it's just who I am.

I guess right now I feel depressed, I should probably stop
feeling sorry for myself, apparently i've given up. When
we were together I actually wanted things, I wanted to
rent somewhere with you, I was going to learn how to
drive, is this all your fault?

I don't want anything anymore, I don't even try, I don't
even know what that means, or how i'm meant to stop
feeling sorry for myself. All I can do is think of you,
yesterday I was getting some cereal and as I was pouring
the cereal into a bowl I went from feeling fine to crying
in the corner of my room with a razor coated in crimson.

Just writing that and remembering it makes me emotional. I
cried again today because I miss you so much. It's amazing
how emotional hearing a song can make me, why am I so
depressed? Apparently I can't even write shit here without
breaking down, I guess that's the third.

How do you do it? Make me feel like I do.