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2009-10-18 19:22:52 (UTC)

C'est la vie.

So I don't really know where to start, i'd hate to make
myself sound over dramatic and such, but I guess I am. We
talked pretty much when you got home from college, I told
you how I can't lose you and how i'd try to be your
friend, again. I guess deep down I know just taking the
fall and never talking to you again would be best for me
emotionally. I realized that i'm not part of your life,
and i've no idea what goes on when i'm not around you.
I've come to understand that we won't be together, as much
as I want us to be together in a relationship.

I guess right now I don't really know how i'm meant to
feel, you were super hung over yesterday and had to go
with your ex to some award thing he was getting, I didn't
really ask much, I hate to be immature but I fucking hate
that guy. So anyway, I text you at work seeing how you
were feeling and I guess shortly after this is when
everything kicked off. You told him about some guy on
Friday who wants to sleep with you, you claim he doesn't,
you're so young you've no idea what goes through the minds
of men. He took it badly and said a lot of shit that hurt
you, so today you're in your own world of depression where
i'm not good enough to talk to, which is fair enough. I
used to be happy and get you out of these, not so much

This is when I realized, i've no idea what happens in your
life, i'm not a part of your life. I've no idea what was
said to you, i've no idea what you said to him. You never
tell me what's said, you always give me the basics and
just ignore the actual facts. We are two different people
living two different lives, so why do I still want to end
mine and be part of yours? I'd move away from friends and
family and never look back if it meant I could be with
you. You've told me so many times that you're not asking
me to, but for you i'd do anything.

I guess i'm contradicting myself, or maybe I'm just
confused. I know I still love you, I know i'd still give
up everything to have you waking up in my arms, but I
guess I also know that we can't be together, so I guess
we're just fucked.

I want to turn a page right now, and be happy, believe,
live everyday like it's my last, you know, them bullshit
sayings that make you grind your teeth. I never understood
the live your life like every day is your last, 'cause if
it was you'd just be crazy, you wouldn't be scared of
dying and anyone that claims they're not scared of dying
is a fucking liar. The point is I guess I want to be
someone happy, I want to actually just, wake up with a
smile on my face, go about my day without depressing
thoughts. I guess I want to be normal?

I used to be this way, when we were closer and wanting to
be together, you made me that way, and now you've made me
this way. I can't see how i'm ever going to be happy in a
relationship when i'm not happy when i'm alone. Even when
you were sad I used to make you smile, we used to be so in
love. I wish you were still in love with me, I just wish
you were here.

Going back won't feel the same after everything has