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2009-10-08 13:12:32 (UTC)

Just another breakdown.

Why do I get this way? I wish I was happy like you. Do you
ever have days where you just don't want to be awake? Why
does thinking about you putting your hair up depress me?
Like really, I don't even understand. I feel like crying
myself to sleep, I miss you so much.

Why do I go from happy and generally feeling good about
myself and the position i'm in, to feeling so low, so
depressed and wanting to cut? What is it about me that
makes me go through these mood swings. Are they even
normal? Is the way I feel even normal? Am I meant to feel
like crying when I think of happy times we had together?
Is that how this works? I do something good, I experience
something good, and then every time I think about it I get
depressed? How does that even work? Surely thinking about
something good that happened would make me feel good? A
happy moment in my past, why doesn't that make me happy
thinking about it? Why must I go through so much bullshit
emotion every time I think about you or something we went

When I think about the first time I watched you getting
ready, putting your hair up, the way it made me feel, why
does thinking about that now make me want to kill myself?
I hate this so much. I guess this is where I end up down
the path i've come to know so well.

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?