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2009-10-07 07:45:31 (UTC)

Everything changes.

I'm feeling anxious, i'm not really sure why. It's almost
8 am, I find myself unable to sleep, unable to concentrate
on anything except for keeping my mind busy with pointless
shit. I guess i've been doing okay until tonight, well,
this morning. I'm not really sure what did it, well I
guess I do know, or at least i'm pretty sure. This morning
was the first time i've cried in like two weeks, it was
almost the first time i've cut in two weeks, but amazingly
it didn't happen. I guess i'm happy, and can stay happy as
long as I don't think about the fact that you're not mine,
and how you'll never be mine. As long as I don't think
about that, the reality behind us, i'm smiling and happy.

How pathetic is that? So basically as long as I don't
think about what is actually happening in my life, i'm
super. No excuses, I need to see my JP before Friday and
get put back on anti depressants.

I've decided to go against the whole, cross tattoo on the
back of my neck, and instead use the design I was going to
use for my throat, 'cause lets be honest, getting a tattoo
on my throat would fuck me up work wise. So we're looking
at a rose with wings, the design I want is black and
white, but I guess what I really need to think about is if
I want something that big on my neck in colour or not, how
overpowering it would be and how i'd colour it.

I guess I know that if it's coloured, the rose will be
red, the halo would be a yellow/gold, and the wings i'm
really not sure about. I eventually want to get sleeves
done, and i'm really leaning towards one red and one
another colour, at first I was thinking just one in
colour, one in black and white, which I guess could work.
Having half the rose in colour, one wing etc. It might
look good.

On the other hand, if I leave it in black and white what
would that leave me with? I've been thinking about what
else i'd want doing, and i'm pretty sure i'll be getting
sparrows on either side of my neck. I guess everyone gets
a sparrow, stars or a heart somewhere, but i've never seen
a sparrow and thought, that's some shit ink. I'd like to
get them with some sort of message, or acknowledgment of
my family. I was thinking of having the names of my family
members on a banner going across them, but then I guess it
leaves the whole, which side do I put which names.

I'm stuck between two styles, my parents one side and my
brother and sister the other, or my father and my brother
one side, sister and mother the other. The only real
problem I see really, it's pretty petty but yeah, my
parents are divorced (who's aren't?) so i'm pretty sure
getting their names together on one side would basically
remind them whenever they saw their names together, of
their time together, i'm not really sure how they'd handle
it, or how they'd feel about it, you know? Thinking about
a past relationship, or failed marriage, probably not what
you want to think about every time you see your son. With
my mother and sister on one side, well, lets just say
there's history there and grouping them together might not
be the most appealing thing in the world. I guess when I
really think about it, it's just names and memories, so
fuck them, or perhaps I can do something else, like
initials or something, perhaps DOBs. I've seen a tattoo
with family initials which looked really good.

Anyway the whole sparrow thing, i'd be getting them
different colours, for example, the right one would be a
light blue, the left would be a bright red, which would go
with the sleeves, the only problem with that is Dallas
Green has a red/blue sleeve. I think the reason that
really put me off the whole cross with wings on my neck is
the fact that David Beckham has it done. Sure, getting a
tattoo is something you do for you, and only you. But the
fact that someone famous has a tattoo in the same place,
and literally the same tattoo there, it's kinda cheap, I
know i'd be kinda pissed off if I was walking down town
and saw some guy with the same tattoos as me, same colour,
placement, i'd feel kinda cheap I guess.

I'm thinking that maybe, because around the wings I want
to add in some colour, some smoke so to speak, around the
top/bottom of the design, I could always have the
left/right side the colours of my sleeves, added in at a
later date, but then it's still the fact that i'm
undecided about the colour of the rose and halo.

I guess i'm really not sure about the tattoo, I mean i've
sorted the design, the placement and i've already got the
next 2 tattoos on either side of my neck lined up, and I
want them in colour. I guess the only thing I have to
really think about is if I want colour or not. It's
actually quite amazing, all the tattoos i've wanted seem
to fall into the whole, prison tat scene, how shit is that?

If I could be who you wanted, if I could be who you wanted
all the time, all the time.