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2009-08-30 19:12:57 (UTC)

This is what I get for wanting more.

I really don't see a point in anything anymore, it's like no matter what I do, no matter what I say or even how hard I try, everything turns to shit. The amazing thing is if you'd call me right now and we'd have a 2 minute conversation about complete shit and at the end you said that you missed me, sure, I'd be sad because I'm not there with you, but at the same time I'd be so happy just to look at my phone and see your name calling me.

Do you think I'd call just to hear you breathe?

I guess I never thought I'd find love, I never thought I'd find someone that actually loves me for me and if I did, it would be wonderful, it would be the best feeling. So why am I crying myself to sleep and carrying a razor blade with me at all times? Why do I feel like I'm existing and so numb. I kinda figured when two people fall in love that they'd be happy, nothing would or could come between them, why do I have such a stupid idea of love? I never thought this would happen, this isn't how it's meant to happen.

I've been sleeping alone for over 22 years, so then why after a few weeks of sharing a bed is it so hard going back to sleeping alone? It doesn't even matter how good my day was or how happy I am, even if I were able to go a whole day without thinking about you, as soon as I get into bed, the day and lights come to a halt, so why don't my thoughts and tears stop?

I wish I never slept with you. I wish I never kissed you, maybe then I wouldn't be missing you so much. I don't understand how you're not feeling like me, I'm in love with you and this is how I feel, does that mean you were never in love with me? I have no trust in people, so why do I keep letting people hurt me?

Now that you've found it, it's gone. Now that you feel it, you don't.