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2009-08-26 16:35:21 (UTC)

Can I have you?

So I was at my mothers yesterday, me and Rob bowled for
almost 5 hours from 10am. We played 24 games. Today my
right arm's hurting a little bit, but only slightly, my
middle finger is fucked though.

I spent the night at my mothers and cried myself to sleep,
all alone. Before going to sleep I was talking to you on
msn and things were going good, until I asked you if you
minded me telling you I wanted to fall asleep in your
arms. You said it's hard to hear sometimes. It turned to
shit from there, you basically told me we have no future,
so now i'm kinda unsure what it is i'm even meant to do. I
feel like my life just lost all meaning.

I cut myself shortly after you left, the deepest i've ever
cut, apparently i've turned a page, backwards. I've never
felt so alone.

Today I realized something that was meant to help me, I
used to forget about everything and just chill out when I
smoke, but now apparently it seems that when I smoke I
think of you, the exact opposite of what it used to do. I
get so depressed when I smoke, so I guess i'm quitting.

I got pierced today, both my ears and the other side of my
lip (another reason why I want to quit, kinda don't want
to smoke/drink with my lip pierced), right now i'm unsure
about the lip, it looks like it's done too low compared to
the other one. I'm hoping that's 'cause of the swelling.
I'm liking my ears though, I was going to get fake plugs
to see how they look on me, and then see if I really
wanted plugs before stretching, but now i'm not sure, my
ear lobes are kinda small.

I hate the feeling I get when I come home after being
away. Nothings changed, everyone is doing the same shit as
they were when I left, it's such a depressing feeling,
something i'm kinda used to I guess.

I just fell in love for the first time, watch as I pick
myself up off the ground.