Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
BRAC Analysis
The ironic thing about all this is that I've never felt
healthier in my life. Yeah, I'm a little fatigued and have
a few minor health glitches, but ultimately I'm healthy.
So, why do I feel like in two weeks I'm going to be making
the biggest health decision of my life?
This morning I got up a little earlier so I could still go
to the gym before my appointment. I wasn't sure if I'd
have time to go in the evening. I got home around 11am,
with just enough time to shower, dress and hit the road
(Madigan is just about an hour away and I like to give
myself extra time for traffic). Snookums came home from
work early to stay with the kids, but I kind of wish he
would have come with me. I was nervous :(
Dr. McClellan has to be the nicest doctor I've ever seen.
He spent the better part of an hour discussing all of the
pros and cons of having the BRAC Analysis done. We went
over my family history again, discussed the implications
of a positive/negative/uncertain diagnosis and what would
or could happen in the event of any of those outcomes.
When I left his office I felt like I really knew what was
going on. Really, it's a big deal, but not a huge one.
There was nothing to be nervous about. I'm pretty sure of
my decision: positive test result = bilateral mastectomy
and reconstruction. Negative or uncertain result =
diligent screening, but no drastic measures. I keep
holding on to the fact that I'm very healthy right now and
this is just precautionary. If I keep myself healthy, I
won't have any problems.
Dr. McClellan walked me down to the lab to have my blood
drawn for the test. They packed it away into a neat little
white box and in two weeks I should be hearing back from
them. There's a 44% chance I'll contract breast cancer at
some time in my life (according to the statistic software
they use to figure out these sorts of things) and a 35%
chance I'm a carrier for BRAC 1 and/or BRAC 2. Dr.
McClellan says only about 5% of women tested actually come
back positive, so I'm feeling like the odds are really in
my favor. That doesn't make my family history go away and
I'm in for yearly mammograms and screenings for the rest
of my life. I think I can handle that, though. This is not
just about me. This is about my daughters and if I have
the gene I want them to know.
I can't help but be reminded of how pathetically horrible
my mother is and was as a mother and I hope she's okay,
but if she's not she brought 90% of it on herself. The
person that should be tested first is the family member
with cancer, but since my mother decided to bail on life
and abandon her family (the family that matters), that
can't happen. I'm not going to go down this road, though.
I've forgiven her and she'll stay forgiven. I'm going to
keep on doing what's right for my children and use her as
an example of what I NEVER want to be.
I found someone else to cover my shift tonight because I
wasn't sure if I'd be back in the area in time to get
there. I was, but honestly I wasn't in the right frame of
mind to work. I just wanted to be with my family. I really
missed Annie today and I know she's having a great time at
camp, but I'm ready for her to come home. I needed the
most important people in my life around me. Snookums and I
took the little ones down to the park to play for awhile.
We played a couple games of tennis and threw the
basketball around for a bit. It was fun and it took my
mind off of things. I felt bad about missing work for a
nanosecond, but I really did need some down time.
Last night I slept like crap. Too keyed up about today's
appointment, I'm sure. But tonight I'm hoping sleep comes
a little easier. I'm not a religious person, but I do
believe that I need to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the
difference... Ciao.
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