rainy

My heart in a knot
2009-08-17 21:44:37 (UTC)

friendless

So lately I've been very frustrated with me having no
friends.. Of course I also have to wonder if I'm being picky
or reasonable... since when I think about the people who
have offered "friendship" it is usually guys who want to go
out with me..or women who are 7 years or so older then me...

I'd honestly like to make a connection with someone who is a
bit like me.... I think my problems with people started in
high school.. for some reason I began having the worst time
making friends... not to say I made friends easily before
but I had always managed to have a best friend every year,
but in high school that changed... it was like I had a
difficult time communicating with people.. like I couldn't
find any common interest.


anyway.. I'm just sick of not meeting anyone... I'm sick of
going out by myself and not having anyone to talk to...I
can't help but to wonder if I'm the only one on earth going
through this... or if other people have such a difficult
time meeting people as well... For a while I was meeting
people but that all stopped... and none of those
relationships lasted and I'm not sure why.. especially with
Iris... it still get's to me this day... I don't know why
but it's very frustrating and confusing to me..

well like I tell everyone who ever ask why I have a
difficult time with people the main reason is my bpd... the
second is that I need to work on my communication skills..
but my bpd is what makes me like then dislike someone for no
apparent reason... it's what made things go wrong with sean..

I use to be so up front about telling people about my bpd..
but lately I've been cautious about who I tell .. idk at
first I was so happy about finding out the reason for my
disruptive patterns and I just wanted to tell everyone..
since at least I had a reason and something to blame but now
I'm afraid if I tell someone they may not want to get to
know me... of course not a lot of people know about bpd.. of
course I never know...

Lately there have been a few people I've wanted to talk
to.... Mel, iris, yalelna, .. and another girl I met but she
lives too far away.. I just want to be friends with these
girls, and I want to talk to them and share my life with
them and vice versa.. the thing is that I have a way to get
in touch with all of them but I'm too afraid... I worry
about not getting a response so much that it makes me
sick... yet on the other hand I know if there were someone
who wanted to talk to me real bad then I would want them to
get in touch with me... but that's me, my world is so much
smaller then theirs.... they may just see me as a burden..
plus I worry about saying the wrong thing and messing things
up, I worry that they thing I'm weird or strange.. I have
so many fears and it keeps me from talking to people I want
to talk to, mainly because I feel that they don't want to
talk to me..


In fact I think I feel that way with just about everyone I
come in contact with... I can't help it.. I bring myself
down so much that it prevents me from doing anything..

well I guess you can tell by my writing that my birthday is
coming up... it's a pattern that I do every year... I get so
depressed that another birthday is coming and yet I have no
one to celebrate with..another year and I'm still the same
lonely person... I get so sad I have no choice but to come
here and write, it's the only way to relive the pain I
feel.. I worry sometimes I won't be able to take it..
another year.. alone.. hurting.. worrying about my future.

A girl at my current job just celebrated her 16th birthday..
I can't believe she worked that day... I always make sure I
can get my birthday off... mostly because I worry so much
about someone doing something to ruin my entire day.. and if
you know anything about bpd then you know even a small
remark can ruin everything and send you into a rage.. every
year for my birthday I buy myself something nice to make up
for the lack of friends and family in my life.. usually it
is something really expensive and nice... the first time I
did it I got a laptop.. the second year I got my camcorder..
I actually don't remember them in order but most of the
expensive things I own I got myself for my birthday... since
I don't have anyone in my life to do it for me... only on my
birthday do I do that.. on other holidays like Christmas I
enjoy giving more then receiving, the only reason I
celebrate my birthday the way I do is because it means so
much to me... because I'm still alive.. another year I
survived without committing suicide because of all the hurt
I feel..


Plus I don't remember anything about my birth... in fact I
don't know anything about my birth at all.. I don't even
have any baby pictures... every year on my birthday... while
I'm alone.. which is usually the case I sit and I think
about my birth and how it was, I wonder about how people
reacted to me.. I wonder if anyone came to visit me, I
wonder how I looked and how my birth mom responded to me.. I
wish I could have someone to share the experience with.


so yea..... it's really got me down, I wish for once I could
be excited about my birthday coming up... I wish I could
have something to do... someone to talk to..


I just feel hopeless...




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