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2009-08-15 19:00:33 (UTC)


So I guess yesterday went from bad to worse but eventually got better. Work was pretty shit, average day I guess. I think for the first 6 hours all I could do was think of you, us, how much I miss your hands covering me.

You didn't text me during your night out, at least I got a reply though, right? Do you even think about me? It's hard when you think you know someone, you expect them to do things, like for me as soon as I wake up the first thing that I can ever remember, is thinking about you. The first night alone after spending two weeks together was so hard, I woke up looking around the room not really understanding that I was back home. I lifted up my pillows and moved my blanket around to see if you were under them. Thinking about it hurts so much. I guess what I'm trying to say is, did you do that too? Or was I just another body to hold on to?

I guess you realise you have a problem, an addiction, when you do something where you shouldn't be doing it. I don't really feel ashamed or like I need to hide it, but I'd just rather not talk about it to people that just don't know me. I don't want to say you're the reason, like I really don't want to, but you fucking are the reason I've started cutting again. You shouldn't really be sad about that though, seeing as you were the reason I stopped in the first place, you're the reason I came clean in so many ways. You are my everything. I've never cut outside of my house before, until last night at work. I feel broken, so numb. Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?

We talked a bit yesterday, after I got home from SF's place. I guess the only reason really was because I text you and you probably felt guilty or something. You were pretty drunk, you kind of always seem to be lately. Maybe this is your way of getting over me? You've always drank though, you used to drink more than you are doing now, so maybe it's not a way to get over me, maybe you don't even need to get over me 'cause you were never into me.

I'd happily die tomorrow morning if I could just spend one last night in your arms. You used to think I was amazing, perfect. I still think you are. I need you so bad. I honestly don't think I'll ever have you in my arms again. That thought alone breaks my heart, I don't know what I'm meant to do without you.

How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down?