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2009-08-09 17:44:14 (UTC)

Reinventing myself.

So I guess this is where my relapse begins. So much to write about, yet my mind is blank. Maybe I'm too anxious? Maybe I'm just too far gone to actually put in the effort to write down how it is I'm feeling. I guess I've already made how I feel perfectly clear on so many occasions. All it seems to do is push me away.

I'm starting to question if I'm clingy. I never really thought I was, but I guess a lack of friends and social life would make someone clingy. Are there different levels of clinginess? I guess I am, I never really thought it was a bad thing, I guess reassuring someone and making them feel worthy isn't something we all want to do, some of us are just above people like me.

It's hard to just, accept someone else's feelings when you have little trust, I guess it's hard to even talk or be around people when they come across so genuine. I don't think I've ever been able to truly be myself around anyone except one person. There's always been something there, some insecurity or something to feel ashamed of. I can't believe how easy it was, I don't think I'll ever feel that way again.

Today's been pretty shit so far, I've been up for 5 hours now and all I've felt is insecure, sad and unloved. I started smoking green again this week, well, last Friday.

Is not telling someone this considered a lie? If you never ask the question, then the other person can't lie, because there's no trying to protect something, there's no answer? Then why do I feel guilty? Maybe it's because I know how the reaction would go, I know how much disappointment would flow through you, I guess there's been a lot of that lately.

Never would've thought that I'd be something, you'd so easily discard.