Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2009-07-30 05:01:50 (UTC)

We Lived Our Lives To The Fullest

I was looking at the little blue search box when you go to
the 'read what others have written' section and it says
only 38% of diaries are public. I remember when over 50%
were public. I wonder what changed? Just a random thought.

Today was a nice enough day. I woke to the sound of men
outside my window (painting the trim baby blue). I feel
weird being in bed when they're working, even though they
start at 7am, the kids aren't awake yet and I could sleep
at least another hour. I just have to get up.

I went to the gym as usual and did a pretty good workout.
I did my normal weight routine (3 sets, 10 reps each on 10
different machines) and then a 5 mile moderate intensity
trail on the Expresso bike. Then out of the blue the gym
got crazy busy and I couldn't get on an ArcTrainer and
there must have been 20 people on the tiny indoor track. I
decided to cut my workout short at that point. I hate it
when the gym is busy. Which it hardly ever is (not
counting the basketball games). I think someone let out
our secret. The Y is air conditioned :)

Snookums was supposed to get home before 1pm so we could
take the kids to the beach, but he didn't get home until
after 2pm and in a shitty mood. He didn't seem like he
wanted to go and I told him he didn't have to - I would
take them, because I promised them we'd go today. But he
said he wanted to come and he'd be fine. Well, he never
was. I brought along drinks and snack, the kids beach
toys, a big blanket to sit on, umbrellas for shade, the
works. Everything you'd need to have a good day at the
beach, but he wasn't having any parts of it. He sat on a
piece of driftwood 4 feet away from us like he was a damn
bodyguard. He wouldn't play with the kids, he didn't want
to go in the water, he didn't want any snacks. He did take
the bottle of water I offered, but that was it. I had a
good time with the kids, but I would have had a better
time had he kept his cranky ass at home.

On the way out of the park we passed the camp grounds and
I suggested that we should take the kids camping sometime.
Keenan did very well at the beach today (I set up his play
pen with umbrellas over it to keep him out of the sun). He
had a great time, laughing every time a wave broke
noisily, then falling asleep with a cup of ice water. I
think he'd enjoy a little camping trip, too. Well, my
husband's response to that idea was not just no, but "fuck
no". It kind of hurt my feelings. I just want to do fun
and interesting things as a family and lately he's been
anything but fun and interesting. I told him in the future
when I want to do something with the kids, I'll just do it
myself. Because it's much more enjoyable when it's just me
and the kids having a good time than it is when he's
sitting on the sidelines being a prick. If he says
anything to anyone it's usually full of expletives, an
unnecessary negative comment (like how fat people
shouldn't be allowed to buy bathing suits - when he won't
take his shirt off because he's got man-boobs and a keg)
or he's yelling about something minor. The kids (nor I)
deserve that. What the hell is his deal lately? A friend
of mine said that Jason comes off as a superficial
asshole. I hate to say that about my husband, but she's
right. I couldn't even defend him on that one.

I don't feel that my marriage is in trouble, because my
husband is blissfully unaware of how irritated I am with
him. I'm keeping it to myself (and whoever happens to read
this). I kind of miss how peaceful and calm life was while
he was gone. The kids and I got into our routine, we lived
our lives to the fullest and yeah I missed him, but I
missed the sweet Snookums that I love. Not the evil twin
that's replaced him. I don't know how to bring up my
unhappiness and even if I did, he'd just ignore me anyway.
Since he's been back it's like I brought home the wrong
husband. He's not the happy-go-lucky guy I fell in love
with. He's always moody, sulky, brooding, sleeping,
yelling, swearing or ignoring. I've got to figure out
what's wrong so I can either help him resolve the issue or
figure out a way to live with it, I guess... Ciao.




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