Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2009-07-26 05:54:33 (UTC)

My Antidepressant of Choice

Finally, an opportunity to write! I wish Snookums was more
tolerant of my life/routine. He hates that I go to the gym
every day. He hates that I work so much. He hates that I
stay up past 10pm to write in my diary... I'd forgotten
how inflexible, old-fashioned and intolerant he can be.
Instead of letting me have a few minutes to write each
night, I've been ushered off to bed pretty much the moment
I walk in the door (from work). I've got a bit of catching
up to do:

THURSDAY:
I woke up on the couch. When I got home from work
Wednesday night Snookums was already asleep and was taking
up most of the bed. So, I just grabbed a blanket and slept
on the couch. I didn't want to be near him anyway. At some
point I vaguely remember a soft kiss on the lips and the
sound of the front door closing. I woke up at 7:30am (when
housing started power-washing the house in preparation for
painting next week). When I went into the kitchen I saw
the card I'd left for Snookums had been opened...

I worked out extra hard at the gym. Probably because I had
things on my mind (things being the tension between
Snookums and I) and the physical release is better than
anything when it comes to uplifting an otherwise bad mood.
I lifted 125 pounds on the back press! I'm very proud of
myself :) I love the feeling of getting a little stronger
each day. I did cardio, too. I know I over-did it because
I was sore before I even got out the gym's doors.

I had a 4-8:30pm on-call that they decided to use. I
called as I was leaving the gym and I thought Snookums
would be upset when I got home (turns out his attitude
problem is solely based on not getting to see enough of
me), but he took it well. He kissed me, apologized for his
behavior Wednesday and when I got home from work, he was
waiting. He took me into the bedroom, undressed me and
slipped a nightgown over my head. Then, he had me lay down
on the bed and gave me a back massage. Of course one thing
led to another and we ended up doing other things, but it
was nice. Very sweet and lovely.

FRIDAY (yesterday):
I woke up almost as sore as I was the week I first started
going to the gym. Maybe more-so, because I wasn't lifting
weights then. I decided to forgo the weights and just do
my cardio circuit. Which is still a fabulous workout on
it's own.

I'm starting to feel like I'm addicted (again). Nothing
makes me as happy as going to the gym. It's like a drug.
My antidepressant of choice. Having Snookums home has
complicated my life in ways I hadn't fully anticipated.
Sometimes I feel like I'm sleeping with the enemy because
I've changed my life for the better, but he's still trying
to drag me back into the old destructive ways we used to
live by. I don't want cheesecake at midnight. I don't want
anything at midnight, except maybe a cup of sleepy-time
tea. I actually do want to go to the gym every day (he
hasn't been in over a week. I knew he'd quit). I love
working (he'd rather I be a housewife). I hate that after
6 months apart I have more bad things to say about him
being home than good. I love him dearly. I can't imagine
my life without him, but why isn't he evolving?

I believe that every human being has three options when it
comes to aging/growing up. They can improve. They can
stagnate. Or they can regress. I haven't decided if
Snookums is stagnating or regressing, but it's obvious to
me after almost 7 years together that he isn't improving
upon himself. But, it's his life and I can't change it.
It's in my nature as a woman to WANT to change him, but I
can't mold him to my will. If he wants to sit on the couch
the rest of his life, then that's what he'll do, but I
won't be sitting there with him...

I had another on-call last night - one I hadn't expected
them to use because it was a closing shift and they
already had a closer scheduled. I left the gym late and
called in late (around 2:30pm). By the time I found out I
had to work and got home from the gym I had just enough
time to get ready and leave. Snookums was asleep, so I
didn't even get to say goodbye. I just gave him a little
kiss on the forehead and left. I went all day without
talking to him. I figured it would be another repeat of
Wednesday night, but when I got home he was up! I got
another back massage and other things ;) I told him we
need to end every day that way. A massage and sex.

I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to give up what
makes me happy (working out/work), but I want Snookums to
be happy, too. Marriage may be about compromise, but there
are some things I'm not willing to budge on. My physical
well-being and my independence are two of them.

TODAY:
I heard back from the doctor I saw last week. I didn't
talk to her in person, she left me a message this morning.
My pap came back normal and some of my blood work came
back. Turns out I have chronic anemia, which would explain
a lot of the symptoms I've had for years. My primary
provider did a broad spectrum test back in February that
didn't check my iron stores, just the level of iron I had
in my blood at that time, so that's how it was missed (it
was a long message). I'll have to be treated for that on
top of the DUB. The rest of the blood work should be back
next week and I have the ultrasound next week. I'll be so
glad when all this is over. I know I don't have cancer,
can we just fix the excessive bleeding?

We had a fun day as a family :) Snookums got an e-mail at
work about a Bluegrass festival on Bainbridge, so we
decided to give that a try. I asked Snookums if he liked
Bluegrass (since it's a sub-genre of country and he hates
country music). He kind of blew me off about it, until we
got there. Then he couldn't stop complaining about
how "hillbilly" it was and how much it sucked. A few
people started dancing down by the stage and he thought
that was the stupidest thing ever. I was starting to think
HE was the stupidest thing ever. His intolerance is
KILLING me! HE's the one that wanted to go!! I tried to
warn him, but he didn't listen. I'm not a huge fan of
country, but I love live music and seeing the performers
play their instruments was great. Keenan liked it, too. He
was singing along to the music :) SO CUTE! There was a fun
fair for the kids, so Annie and Kiki were busy playing
games and winning little prizes, so the only one that
didn't have a good time was Snookums. Too bad for him. I
did manage to get a mild sunburn, but I'll survive.

Tonight while I was making dinner I noticed a printed e-
mail folded up in the fruit basket (Snookums commandeered
my fruit basket for all his crap: wallet/keys/loose
change). I'm not one to pry, but I saw the name of his
detailer in one corner and my curiosity got the better of
me... It was nothing. Basically just the detailer telling
him he needed to stop being so damn picky and if he wanted
orders to San Diego he'd have to go back to sea duty for
two years. I knew that already. So, why did Snookums come
into the kitchen and nearly break my fingers trying to
snatch the e-mail from me? Why? We'd had a discussion
about the very same subject just last night. Why would he
feel the need to keep that e-mail from me, when he'd left
it in plain sight? It hurt my feelings because I try to be
so open with him. Most of the time he doesn't care or even
want to hear it, but I offer it. I open myself up to him.

I'm harboring resentment towards my husband and I don't
like it. All is not right in paradise... Ciao.




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