rainy

My heart in a knot
2009-06-26 00:51:00 (UTC)

Nothing much...

So I haven't meet anyone new and it's really a bummer to me
since I had so many hopes and expectations. I also still
don't have a job but I've been applying like crazy and still
nothing, not even a phone call, if you ask me the whole
government set up for people on welfare is only working out
for them and no one else can get a job.. that's just
something I've noticed a lot more lately.

Anyway..sean seems to be doing really well.. not that I've
spoken to him in forever, I just saw his profile page and he
looks happy, I sometimes wonder how he does it, how can he
be happy in his situation.. what does he have that I don't
have? how is he getting by? he has his own home... a
kid..etc.. apparently he is not married yet.. or he is but
it must not of been formal.

Enough about him... I still haven't spoken to IR since her
decision, I still can't find the answer but it hurts me a
lot, I just wish things were easier for me, I don't
understand why I get so much rejection, I sometimes think
it's me but I don't know why and people don't explain it. So
I've been waiting anxiously for the photos to come back from
the photo shoot I went to but nothing so far and it's very
irritating.. still IR didn't get a whole lotta talk..


I just got finished watching the movie up... it's a Disney
movie I thought it was cute and romantic, despite the fact
that it was a cartoon it felt like it was made for older
people, maybe because most of the characters seemed old..
the main character was old and a little boy tugged along
with him. The movie was good, just not as kiddy like as I
thought it was going to be, I can't help but to think of the
news story I read about a girl who watched the movie and
then died.. : ( it was like one of those last wish kind of
things..


Well..I'm sorry to be damper if that's the right term.. well
I can't help but to wonder what IR is doing how much fun she
is having, I wish I were enjoying life as much as she is..
seems like she has it all except a good job lol.. I'm very
upset...

But I haven't written about one thing since I've been here
and that's that I recently got a NIKON D40!! SLR.. I'm soo
happy with it but I can't seem to get the kind of photos I
want..I have a lot of studying to do to learn about the
right kinds of settings for each situation.. I'm going to
the book store to read a book.. it's not available in the
library and I can't afford to buy it right now so I plan on
spending as much time in the book store reading it as
possible! good thing is that at least I'll be out of the
house... I feel so bad for saying that but something I've
recently realized is that I'm not going to meet people at
home online... well I can but it's not the same as in
person,, plus I need to practice my social skills really bad
and that's another reason why I'm so upset with what
happened with IR..

Well I feel a little better after writing this.. it really
is cheap therapy.. I don't know what I would do if I didn't
have the time to stop and write a journal entry to take some
of the stress off my chest.. I feel kind of like I just let
it all out, still there are a few things I haven't said..
and a few emotions I'm holding back.. but they will show
eventually... I'm hoping tomorrow will be a good day and I'm
hoping even more that I will soon find someone to be good
friends with... I just wish that life was not so hard for
me.. even though I know life is not really as hard as I
think it is... not right now anyway.. I can only pray that
things will get better...


well.. thanks for listening... I feel a little better, like
I can go on with tomorrow knowing that I left today here and
not on my mind ..

later.




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