Interrupted
My Life Thus Far
The End of My Rope
I'm so fucking pissed off right now!!!! Not at anyone in
particular, but at circumstances. I do my best. I really
do, but at times even that isn't good enough and I still
come up short... Usually in the most publically
humiliating ways.
I'm alone. There are 100 things that need to get done and
it all falls on me to deliver. Okay. I accept that, but
I'm not superwoman. I'm one person. I can only be one
place at one time and while I'd love to clone myself so I
can be more places at once, the government says that's not
okay. So, I'll continue to be one person, in one place,
doing as many things as I can.
I'll never understand why my kids are so messy when Jason
and I are reasonably clean people (maybe even above
averagly clean people), but the fact remains that they
are. So, I had to go downstairs to do my monthly
clean/purge of the playroom (throw out old/broken toys,
bring up dishes they take down there and hide, disinfect
everything, etc). I couldn't have been down there for more
than 30 minutes when there was a knock on the door. Kiki
had decided that she was going to let herself out and take
a little walk down to the waterfront park. A parent down
there called base police and they brought her home (that
would be the publically humiliating part). It's not like I
was sleeping or drunk or neglectful of her. There isn't a
child device I can find that Kiki can't figure out (that
housing will allow me to install). I have to trust her not
to leave the house, which obviously I can't. What the hell
am I supposed to do? Put her on a leash? Oh, can't do
that, I've already been belittled for using a teddy bear
harness... I was just trying to be a good mother. I was
trying to keep my children's living space clean and
healthy, but nobody cares about that. Instead, I get
chastized for LETTING her sneak out and walk down to the
water. I spend almost every non-raining afternoon (that
I'm not working) and weekend watching everyone else's kids
on this block. I give them snacks, I let them use my
bathroom, but the one time I might actually need a little
assistance, my child gets a police escort home! WTF?
Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth being a nice person.
I think I'll go back to being a bitch and tell all of the
neighborhood kids to get out of my yard and only give
popsicles and juice boxes to my children.
I'm so frustrated I could cry. I'm here overextended,
trying to keep shit together while my husband is sitting
on a mother-fucking beach in Hawaii!!!! I'm raising our
children alone and he's spending two weeks in Hawaii!!!!
Who's paying bills, running the house, taking care of the
kids and working a job? When is the Navy sending me on my
two weeks in Hawaii? I'm not even asking for that. I just
want him to come home. I need my partner. I need help. Why
is he there and not here? I'm reaching the end of my rope.
Ciao...
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