Interrupted

My Life Thus Far
2009-05-14 08:50:03 (UTC)

A Life Lived Surviving

Balance! My life is calm, centered, and balanced. In
earnest. Probably for the first time ever. It's not all
about happiness (there have always been moments of
happiness in my life. Even during the darkest times), but
a feeling of security and true strength as well. With each
passing day I feel more like I'm able to handle anything
that comes my way. I'm less fragile. People tell me I'm
strong, they don't know how I do what I do, but I never
saw it. I was just surviving as best I could. Strength had
less to do with it than sheer survival and what good is a
life lived surviving?

I got a little upset with my sitter this morning. Around
2am Keenan woke up screaming, which is not like him at
all. He's been sleeping through the night consistently
since he was 10 weeks old. I went down to see what was
wrong and when I pulled back his blankets I noticed that
he had on the clothes he'd had on when I'd left for work.
No pajamas. When I went to pick him up, his shirt was
soaked. So were his pants, socks, the blankets and his
sheets. No wonder he was upset! When I took off his wet
clothes to change him I couldn't help but see my
characteristic way of putting on a diaper. He hadn't been
changed since I'd changed him at 4pm before leaving for
work! Never has he spent 10 hours in the same diaper and
to make matters worse, he'd pooped at some point and
sitting in it had given him the worst diaper rash of his
life! LIVID! That's the best description I can give for
how I was feeling in that moment.

I have my own proprietary blend of diaper rash cream that
works really well at clearing it up and sealing out
moisture and of course frequent diaper changes are a must.
By bedtime tonight it was looking so much better. I called
Amy today to find out why Keenan was put to bed like that
last night and she said it was because he fell asleep
early and she didn't want to wake him up. She meant well
I'm sure, but I'd much rather she piss him off for a
couple minutes changing him than letting him suffer for
days with a bloody/raw diaper rash. When I look at some of
the things Amy does at 16 years old (and I consider her to
be above average maturity for most 16 year olds) it makes
me wonder how I ended up being so good with Annie. I had
her at 16 and I never put her to bed in a dirty diaper. It
makes you wonder...

Annie's science project was a hit! She presented it in
class today and Mr. Tebo gave her a 4! They're grading
system is weird. Gone are the A's, B's, C's, D's and F's.
1 is below standards, 2 is approaching standards, 3 is
meets standards and 4 is above standards. I didn't think
it was that great, but when I think about it, I was
judging it at a much higher level. I was going on the
expectations of a 26 year old college graduate. Not a 9
year old 4th grader. It was original (no one at the fair
had done it, but there were at least 5 bouncing egg
experiments that I can remember seeing) and applicable to
the real world. She got a blue ribbon :)

I got a little grief from management because of who I gave
my shift. I was supposed to work tonight, but there was no
way I could get Annie to the science fair AND work a 4-10
shift. And I lack a support system to help with things
like that. So, after calling every girl that wasn't
already working I could only find one person willing to
cover my shift. Unfortunately she's not at my talent
level. We've got this hierarchy at work that dictates who
can work when (peak segments), for how many hours (better
talent work more hours) and where (greeters are the lowest
talent level, bra wardrobing and cash wrap are higher).
So, I got a call from Tiffany trying to figure out a way
to get me into work because my replacement doesn't know
how to work the register and can't do a bra fitting to
save her life. Her redeeming quality is that she's
excellent at engaging with customers and finding out their
needs. But after that she needs to pass them off to
someone who can do the rest. Annie needed me tonight and
that's what mattered most to me. Victoria's Secret
functions without me the majority of the time. I'm sure
the place will still be standing when I get there
tomorrow.

I need to go to bed. It's approaching 2am. God I wish I
could make myself go to bed at a decent hour... It's never
going to happen. I should stop trying and just embrace my
nocturnality, once and for all. Ciao.




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